Behind the Starting Line

I’m sitting in front of my computer and I really want to go to sleep.  This is usually how I feel when I want to do something good for myself.  I’m writing this blog as a first step towards many steps towards the person I know I am.  I can get there but it’s so un-motivating when you’re standing behind the first step.  I feel scared. I feel scattered brain.  I hear and see all the nasty voices that say, “Theresa you need to lose weight first.” That’s always been my first Saboteur.  “You can’t do shit Theresa unless you’re thinner.”  Big fat lie but right now that’s a loud one.  The second voice is, “Theresa you’re not that great of a writer and you don’t even follow your own advice, why is anyone going to listen to you?” LIYA.  Hmmm, let’s see, anymore?  Oh, “you have no time Theresa,  NO Time”!  

I’m writing this blog to say it out loud.  I’m on a journey that I’m committed to.  I’m committed to becoming a coach, living a healthy lifestyle, and exercising.  More importantly I’m committed to loving myself as much as I love my boys.  My coach today said, “you would do anything for you kids, could you love yourself, that much?”   That’s a lot of love but I’m up for the challenge.

Love,
Theresa

Tummy Time for Mommy

Okay, it’s about that time.  As most of you know I’m a new mom for the second time and although I’m truly grateful for my little marshmallow, I’m a bit overwhelmed.  I have forgotten or actually abandoned myself in trying to take care of everyone else’s needs before my own. In my mind if Ellison, Adjei and Joaquin are happy and healthy then that will trickle down to me.  The reality of it is I keep getting sick, I’m angry with my husband, and I want to move to Texas.  That’s the truth. 

Shit damn it’s hard to take care of yourself during change.  I can start with baby steps, tummy time for mommy.  For those of you who have never heard of tummy time it’s when you put the baby on their belly so they can practice holding their head up to strengthen their neck.  So there are a few things that bring me a lot of peace.  First is prayer.  Second is eating more fruits and vegetables and tracking what I eat because I suffer from eating amnesia.  Third, is exercise and fourth is writing.  I will keep this all in mind today to take baby steps with my self-care.  Here I go!

100 Miles of Joy

One step seriously feels like a 100 miles sometimes.  Today I was so so very resistant to go for a run.  It was like my body was screaming GO HOME!!  I stretched for about 15 minutes and not yoga stretching more like the person at the track who is watching everyone and barely stretching.  I told myself just run for 10 damn minutes Theresa.  I finally negotiated with myself to run a few laps.  I don’t know what happened but I was able to run two miles.  What’s with that noise in our head?!  I mean really. It’s overbearing sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to say, “Shut the F up!”  But I have to treat that part of me called blah blah with kindness and patience because blah blah will strike back with good ol resistance, “I”M not doing IT!”

Fast Forward 1 week later......

This was the blog I was working on last week and boy how a few days of running really changes things.  I’m feeling really good.  I did a race this past weekend and it was the perfect first race of the year because it was for a wonderful cause and it was under three miles.  Today I went on a two mile run and it wasn’t easy but I pushed through it.  A dear friend of mine reminded me that he noticed I’m happiest when I’m writing and running. It was great to be told this because sometimes I forget what’s personal to me and brings me joy.  So I’m grateful to this friend.  

Hunger Fit

So for the past few days I’ve been pretty damn mindful of my eating and saying no to myself a lot.  Right now I’m eating a 6oz container of Fage 0% yogurt and a bowl of grapes, and blueberries.  Sometimes the need for a slice of apple pie from Blue Stove is like needing water after a workout.  Yesterday I was saying no to myself left and right and I had a long day of running around the city.  Luckily, I threw a washed apple in my bag because by 4:00 p.m. I was famished.   Just a piece of advice, always carry snacks with you like a washed apple, or raw nuts.  When I get into a hunger fit and I have an apple in my bag, it’s always super satisfying and it keeps me from buying roasted nuts on the street or mini cupcakes from Baked by Melissa (No’s from yesterday).   Even a sandwich with almond butter or natural peanut butter is good to carry around because it doesn’t go bad.  I carry snacks for my son all the time so what’s good for him is good for me too.

Today I want to get a 25 minute run in.  If you’re trying to start an exercise routine START SMALL!  Sorry I didn’t mean to yell but i’m really reminding myself.  I always want to be where I was or what I see around me but it can be overwhelming.  For running, I would suggest making time goals instead of distance goals.  I started the week with a 10 minute run and ended the week with a 20 minute run.   A little goes a long way.  

Running for Peace

You know what I love about running? I love that you can have a million thoughts and a million worries but after a run you feel clear headed.  I don’t know anyone who has ever been able to hold onto thoughts after a run.  I also feel like it clears everything out so God can speak to me. 

After my run today I felt really emotional about the Boston Marathon bombing. When I ran my first half marathon I remember seeing the finish line and feeling so happy.  I sprinted across that finish line because I wanted to finish strong and fly to my goal.  I felt supported.  I felt loved.  I felt God.  I think this is a time where I can contribute with my prayers, kind words, or a positive action.  I want to run 26.1 miles before May 5th for all those affected by this tragedy.  

Never Giving Up!

Well where oh where has this baby been?  I have to be honest with you friends, I have been in isolation. Lately I haven’t been exercising and my eating has been the worst it’s been in a very long time.   Some of my old habits like fried food, cake and ice cream, diet coke, CHIPS,  were only sometimes food.  However, lately I’ve snuck some of this stuff into my daily diet.  The result of not exercising  and starting tomorrow with my healthy eating has added up to 10 pounds of weight gain.  Yes, I know this for a fact because the great part of all of this is, I haven’t given up and I still go to my weekly WW meetings.  So the scale tells me so.  The scale is just a measuring tool but the real effect is feel I tired, moody, short tempered and overwhelmed.  

The positive to all of this is I haven’t gone to the part of my self esteem that can really beat myself up about this.  Don’t get me wrong, the voices are there but I’m choosing to have more compassion for myself.  I imagine a woman who really wants to do well but the resistance is so overbearing that she just can’t push through the wall.  Do I tell this woman, “what’s wrong with you, just stop eating or go for a short run!”  No, I wouldn’t say this to a stranger.  Do I tell this woman, “Wow you’re hopeless you might as well stop trying.”  No, I sure as hell wouldn’t say that either.  I would say, “Theresa, this stuff is hard, you’re fucking awesome and maybe it didn’t happen today but you can give it another shot tomorrow.”  Yes, Ma'am!

So the stinkin thinkin part is the hardest but in an imperfect way I’ve been kind to myself through this struggle.  I’ve had the courage to sign up for races this Spring and I started last Thursday with short 10 minute runs.  Today I ramped it up to 17 minutes.  I’m going to try again with my eating and do my best to track.  I will keep it small and gentle.

Boo Snow

Oh mother winter please let this be the last big snow.  I don't have much to say today.  My eating was good.  I didn't make it to the gym because of this snow storm but I did get some exercise in.  I decided to shovel the front of my building and my neighbors building.  I know I sound crazy but I really wanted some exercise and my apartment is small.  Plus I've always wanted to shovel snow.  It wasn't that much snow but my arms are sore!  I broke a sweat and everything.

Tomorrow I hope I can go to the gym and I hope my favorite class isn't canceled.