Day 59

My eating is off off off. I keep trying to rein it in and then I screw up and justify it with “I have a stomach ache, maybe I need a hamburger.” Crazy! Every time I feel sick, why do I think that junk will make me feel better?! This week I’m a little anxious because I’m about to make some changes in my life and it’s scary. I know that’s why I’m giving myself permission not to track. I want to act like the weight gain from last week didn’t have an impact on me but I am struggling to regain motivation. I did work out this weekend and I have turned a week around before. Start Start AGAIN!!!

This week I really need to work out during lunch because Ellison has to work late all week. I’m really kind of freaking out this week. Anytime I’m about to make a change in my life I become a temporary wreck. I need all the good vibes I can get.

Goals
Stay within my points
Be Positive and Faithful

I am grateful for:
Having the courage to make a change that scares me.
A supportive mama who still tells me she’s going to see me at the Oscars.
A warm spirit that people feel comfortable around.

Day 58

It’s Oscar Time! This post is going to be short and sweet because I am all about the red carpet. I went to kickboxing this morning and suffered because I’ve had this nagging headache all weekend. I’ve also had a queasy stomach for a few days. I can’t wait to see Anne Hathaway and James Franco host the Oscars! I love them both! I also love Helena Bonham Carter. The dresses this year are gorgeous. How nice it is to probably try on these amazing dresses with a fabulous body.

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I’m hoping Ellison can meet me at the gym so we can swap the baby. Ellison has to work late all week so I may not be able to go to my body conditioning classes. I’m so grateful that Ellison is working. He was laid off for two years and it was so tough. Thank you Lord!

Goals:
Stay within my points
Go for a walk

I am grateful for:
Ellison working.
Adjei and his beautiful smile.
A motivated business partner.
The Oscars!

Day 57

My whole life I’ve always thought I was fat. I’ve just always considered myself a fat girl. I was thinking today that I’m not a fat girl. My body is not supposed to have all this extra weight. In the past, I was eating too much and I was never consistent with exercise. I’ve used food as a reward, friend, and entertainer. Now that I’ve been tracking everything that I eat, I can’t believe how much I use to overeat. Usually when I order Spanish food I get a side of plantain. The other night when I ate so much I felt sick, I didn’t even order the plantain. Hell, I didn’t even finish the meal. It’s amazing that only two months ago and 15 pounds ago I could finish all that food.

When I was a kid I remember my parents always trying to lose weight. They tried to protect me from their insecurities by nagging me about my own weight. At the time I just felt like they didn’t think I was pretty enough because I was chunky. The way I protected my pride is I would rebel by over eating. I did this in school too. If I felt out of place, I rebelled by making myself look out of place. I realize that I’ve been protecting myself by hurting myself in some ways.

The great thing is, I have it in my head that I will not give up on this goal. I have it engrained that I will succeed and I will eventually be 75 pounds lighter. So far the weekend is off to a slamming start. I had an amazing workout today because I went to the very front and I matched the instructor move for move. I also grilled some chicken breasts for the week and I made a really healthy dinner. I’ve taken control again and I will not let a pound take away from the progress I’ve seen in myself. I’m becoming a different person. I am someone who loves to exercise, who would’ve thought?

Day 56

So lets get the bad part over with. I gained 1.6 pounds and I’m not happy about it. I have chosen to take back control. I tracked everything today and I’m going to work out this weekend. I am also going to prepare my meals for the week so I don’t order out. I am much more successful if I prepare my own food. Even though I had way too much to eat last night, I still didn’t go over my weekly points. I think the meal was loaded with salt because my ring was so tight today. I’m not going to let this gain put me in a state of fuck its. I will go back to what is really working and that is: tracking, preparing dinner and lunch for the week, having vegetables ready, avoiding eating out, and exercise. Next week I’m going to have a loss.

Tomorrow is Zumba and I’m going to the front of the class so I don’t modify. I will also track what I eat and I will prepare a healthy dinner.

I'm never giving up!

Day 55

Ugh I have a terrible stomachache. I went off the deep end with El Salvadorian food tonight. I just can’t control myself with rice and beans. I tried so hard to mentally rehearse how much I was going to eat but then I just said F it. At least it was just one meal that I screwed up. I ran out of groceries and when my fridge is not stocked and prepped for success, there is room for episodes like tonight.

Tomorrow I weigh in and I’m not sure what’s going to happen with the scale. I will be happy if it’s a small loss but I don’t want a gain. Wow, I hate this stuffed feeling. I haven’t overeaten like this in a long time and I don’t ever want to do it again.

Goals
Stay within my points
Keep doing what works
Stay Focused
Be Happy

Day 54

It’s day 54 and I have to say that this is becoming very regular for me. I set daily goals and I don’t always fulfill them but I get really close. I believe the most valuable thing about setting goals is getting closer to being better than you were yesterday. I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I can honestly say that eating healthy and well portioned is becoming natural for me. Exercise doesn’t feel like a chore anymore. This is working because I’m only focusing on being better today. I don’t know if I’m going to be super frustrated and stressed and have a pig out session tomorrow. I focus on one meal at a time. I also make sure that I exercise at least three times a week. My goal is always four but I feel satisfied if I can only make three.

Goals take two things, consistency and an action plan. I complain a lot about my job but I’ve learned so much about good and smart business. Every company projects what they are going to earn and how much they are going to spend for the year. They have a plan before the year even begins. Then they get the resources they need to follow through with that plan. They don’t just see what happens. I certainly haven’t arrived but I am slowly making things happen. It only takes one day.

Goals
Track what I eat.
Go to Kickboxing.
Be Happy
Be Focused.

I am grateful for:
My brother David who is my anchor when I feel like I want to give up.
Morning phone calls with my brother Kenny.
Laughing out loud with my brother Matt.
My loyal brother James who always makes me feel special.

Day 53

I don’t have much to report tonight. I didn’t workout today because I was too busy at work. I did track everything I ate and I am still within my points for the week. I also didn’t research Samba classes because again I had no time.

Tomorrow I will go to my body conditioning class because right now exercise has been my therapy. I am so grateful to have exercise in my life. I feel like it takes care of me in more ways than just making my body smaller and fit. It feels like an escape for me.

Goals:
Pray for clarity for my friends and myself.
Go to body conditioning and bust ass.
Track what I eat.
Be happy

Day 52

I went to my body conditioning class tonight and I swear that class is so intense. While I was squeezing onto to every bit of strength I had, I kept thinking that I really want to focus on healthy living. It doesn’t make sense to work so hard at the gym and then eat junk. I actually don’t eat a lot of junk but little things like red meat, diet coke, cheese, and tortillas. I may sound obsessive and everything is okay in moderation but about three hours before my class tonight, I had one taco and lets just say I almost re-lived that dinner. Sorry.

I’m not looking forward to work tomorrow. I just can’t handle the atmosphere anymore. I understand having a lot of work to do but staying until 8 or 9 o clock is just ridiculous. I don’t stay late anymore and I know that I’m looked at as someone who is not dedicated. My boss even told me that she saw I had other priorities. It’s comical. I have a plan though. I’m taking my headshots in May because I want outdoor shots. I also plan on getting a new building to manage in June. There are several steps between here and there but I have to stay positive and focused.

There is an older actress in my WW meeting. There are actually several theatre people in my WW meeting because my meeting is on Broadway. ☺ Anyway, this woman is so amazing and beautiful. She was saying that she was doing a play that was pretty stressful because she was working with a much older actress who forgets her lines. Anyway, she was saying that she wanted to eliminate all anxiety that she could control so she cut out caffeine, sugar, and alcohol during the rehearsal and run of her show. She said it made a huge difference. I need to start identifying which foods, even if they are counted, have a negative effect on my mood or stress level and vice versa.

Goals:
Workout
Find a Samba class
Track what I eat

Day 51

I was thinking that I needed to find my sexy again. I’m feeling better about how my body is looking and it’s making me want to work harder. I’ve been researching some Salsa and Samba classes because it’s time to start working towards my other goals. I’m feeling good about weight watchers and exercise. I feel ready to focus on new goals. So the next goal is to start dancing again. When I first moved to NY I would take random dance classes and I loved it. With all the workouts I’ve been doing I know I’m strong enough to get through a class. I love hip-hop classes but the choreography is really hard, I need to build up to it. I’m going to start with Samba because it’s intense and it makes me feel sexy.

I was getting ready to go to kick boxing this morning and I couldn’t find any clean workout clothes. So instead, I’ve been cleaning like a mad woman. I also took Adjei to the park so he could ride his scooter. I found myself doing squats in front of the TV. I also tested myself to see if I could do a real push up and I was able to do three. That is wild because there was a time when I couldn’t do one. I’m now going to try everyday to add to that number.

Goals for tomorrow:
Go to body conditioning
Prepare dinner and lunch for the week
Spend some fun time with Adjei
Do three push-ups and attempt a fourth

Day 50

I went to Zumba and it was a waste. The crazy redhead was back but this time she was too much of a disaster for me to appreciate. She did make me laugh a few times. First, her ipod wasn’t charged so she needed to borrow one from this girl in the class. The ipod she borrowed only had Jersey Shore fist pumping music. I was really annoyed. Then she would get tired and tell everyone to keep going. Tomorrow I have to bust my ass at kickboxing.

So far the first two days of my week have been 45-point days. I’m getting a little scared because this is what I do when I start to succeed, I sabotage myself. Tomorrow I am going to map out my point values for the day. I’m not going to eat and then just have whatever points are leftover at dinner.

I also want to change the habit of eating when I’m bored. I think that when I am not consumed by work and I can actually relax, I get bored. I’ve avoided identifying feeling bored because I feel like I don’t have the right to be bored. I always have things I can do and I have a very active two year old and a pretty cool husband. The truth is, when I’m not working, I don’t know how to relax without eating. I am going to change this behavior. Before I think of eating tomorrow I will eat a piece of fruit so I can make a healthy choice. Then I’m going to really try to identify if I’m hungry. If I don’t feel hungry I’m going to do something around the house or call my family. I usually start my munch fest while Adjei is sleeping.

Goals:
Kick ass at kickboxing
Eat a piece of fruit before eating or preparing something to eat
De-clutter my apt
Track what I eat

Day 49

I weighed in today and I lost 2.6 pounds. I really can’t believe I lost that much weight. I wish I tracked because I would know what worked. This week was the most indulgent week I’ve had since I’ve been committed to weight loss. I exercised three times this week but they were good workouts. I have a three-day weekend so I’m going to prepare meals for the week, clean my house, and work on a part time job proposal for work.

I need to re-focus on weight watchers like it’s new. I can’t let this weight loss get to my head because that’s when I start to “reward” myself with a nice 45-point day. Yes, that’s right, I ate 45 points today. I am really happy to say that I look forward to exercising. This is crazy because when I first started I didn’t understand why people would say they loved to exercise. I can honestly say that I don’t bitch and moan to myself before I go to the gym. I don’t even think about it now, I just do it.

Tomorrow I will take Adjei to the park so he can finally ride his new scooter. I will track everything I eat and I will stay within my points. I will also go to Zumba.

Day 48

I went to kick boxing today and it was the best I ever did. I’m fighting a cold so I’m pretty impressed with myself. It must be that I’m getting lighter so the classes are feeling easier. Well maybe not easier but I can push myself harder. I didn't stay within my points but I’m hoping all the exercise I did will save me. I weigh in tomorrow and I would love to see a loss. I will focus more on tracking than I did these past few days. I do so much better when my fridge is stocked with fruit and vegetables.

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will stay positive no matter what the number on the scale says. I would like to go to the gym tomorrow but we’ll see how I feel. Usually by Friday evenings I’m ready to eat some pizza, salad, and enjoy the company of my two wonderful guys.

I’m not sure if you all are watching American Idol but these kids are amazing. I like the new show with Steven and Jennifer. Idol doesn’t make me cry like “So you think you can Dance” though.

Good Night

Day 47

Wow, it’s absolutely amazing how much more of a clear mind I have after working out. I think if anyone needs to make a difficult decision, they should work out before. Today I was feeling lethargic, angry, and bitter. I committed to going to the gym but at the last hour I was going to cancel on my gym partner. I was going to fall back on the excuse, that I was feeling a little sick, which I am but I knew I could get through a work out. Luckily, I have a very vocal friend and partner who would have called me a lazy slob over and over again. So I ended up going and having a really great workout.

My eating has been off this week. I've only tracked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and I was already almost done with my weekly points. The problem with not tracking is you don’t know how you’re really doing. I have a really hard time focusing on different aspects of my life at the same time. This week I have been consumed by work and some hard decisions around that. Today I DID sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament and it felt really good. I enjoy praying for everyone who comes to my mind.

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will go to kick boxing. I will also wake up earlier so my morning is not so chaotic.

Quote of the Day:

"When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "
~ Unknown

Day 46

I’m not sure how I feel about today. The way I’m eating I must be under some kind of discomfort. I spoke with my boss today about cutting down on my hours and reducing my salary. It went over good in that I was very professional and non-threatening. Anyway, this new boss has playfully said that she hates children and doesn’t plan on having any. I don’t have a problem with that because in NY, I actually hear that comment a lot. I don’t take offense. However, it was interesting because when I said that I needed some balance and more time with my son she said, “not working isn’t as cracked up as you think it may be.” I thought it was kind of a clueless comment since “spending more time with my son” translated to “not working.” Oh well, I put it out there and I’m proud for asking for what I want. My juevos are still growing large.

I’m not scared about the outcome of this conversation because in my heart I know I’m supposed to be on stage. When I walk through that fear, you better watch out. Step by step I walk towards my dream. I believe I had it right when I was young and the possibilities were endless. Our life is so precious and we are not promised tomorrow so why not try for the impossible? I have so much respect and love for mothers and fathers out there who have to do it on their own. However, I also have a deep compassion for parents who don’t know how to be parents or how to communicate how much they love their children. Okay now I’m getting emotional.

Have you ever played loud music in your ear, closed your eyes and air drummed? It’s awesome!

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will go to body conditioning. I will also leave for lunch and sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament at St. Patrick’s Cathedral. I love the smell of church.

Day 45

Today has been a really great day. My honey spoiled me with my favorite face cream and eye cream. Only the man of my dreams understands my passion for anti-wrinkle cream. He also gave me a box of amazing truffles. I’ve had two. My little binky received quite a few Valentines from his friends at daycare. I remember when I was kid; Valentines Day was my favorite holiday. I was always very competitive with my Valentine box. One year I actually made a standing mailbox.

So I have completely blown my points for the week. I know I shouldn’t say that because it is only Monday. Well then, I take it back. I will start again tomorrow. Today was the first day I did not track. I ate and ate and I didn’t write anything down. I had cupcakes, truffles, candy and Spanish food. I’m not pleased with how much I’ve had to eat today. I will make myself get back on track pronto. I’m going to do that by trying to back track every thing I’ve had to eat today and track it. I am also going to stop drinking diet coke for a while. Diet coke is deceiving. I think it makes me overeat.

Tomorrow I WILL stay within my points and I WILL track everything I eat.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Day 44

So this weekend I was a tired, moody, eating, monster. I tracked it all but I need to re-focus ASAP. I do not want a gain this week and I really want to get safely under 200 pounds. I will never go back to the 200 range again. I love the Grammy’s so I’m in a much better mood. Today I was looking at some new clothes that I’m aspiring to wear this summer. I need to start a fashion journal. I use to LOVE fashion but when I gained weight, I just stopped caring about how I look. I did a lot work for my management company today. I realized that sometimes the thought is much heavier than the work. Usually when we are pursuing something out of our comfort level it is so much more overwhelming in our head than it ends up being. Procrastination is actually more stressful then the work itself. Hi Aretha, Looking good!

Okay, time to watch the Grammy’s. Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will stay within my point range. I don’t think I’m going to the gym because it’s Valentines Day.

Day 43

Well she’s here and this bitch is wearing me out. I feel so crampy and exhausted today. I love being a woman and I actually don’t mind being reminded that I’m not pregnant but good lord. I did go to Zumba today but I was in the back. I hate being in the back. I don’t get the same satisfaction if I can’t see myself in the mirror. I ran out of my daily points by 2:00 p.m. I need to not have hummus in my house. It sounds harmless but this stuff is dangerous for me. Especially when you buy freshly baked bread. I can’t believe I bought that bread. I know better. I don’t feel ashamed though because I’m confident in my commitment to my weight loss goal. This is major.

I really need to start working on my spiritual health. I keep going hard at life and thinking that I have to do everything on my own but I don’t. I really need to find a Church that I love. I need a humble, non-judgmental, Catholic Church... they do exist! ☺ When I lived in the Bronx I went to an amazing Church with super kind people and a really forward thinking Priest. He was so awesome and non-judgmental. He would organize lunches with Muslim communities. I need a Church like that. I can’t go anywhere that uses God as a weapon.

I’m pooped de pooped! Tomorrow I will, ay, try really hard to go to kick boxing. I will track what I eat. I will also take a long nap. How about that? I’m going to follow through on SLEEP!

Day 42

Well I got through this crazy week and I managed to lose only 3.4 POUNDS! That’s right, I am out of the 200’s! I don’t know how I lost so much weight. I used most of my weekly points but I did have 3 great workouts. I think it had a lot to do with me telling myself that I was going to be under 200 this week. Our words are so powerful. This process is becoming very natural for me; I’m not as surprised at my commitment level right now. I just feel so great. Although, I am PMS’ing this week and it has been super stressful, I don’t feel the urge to pig out or treat myself to junk. The habit that is working for me is snacking on fruit. Usually when I prepared dinner, I snacked on hummus or cheese. Now I still have the habit of snacking while cooking but it’s always on fruit.

I would like to start doing some Spring-cleaning tomorrow. My home has been neglected, so it’s time for me to do some thorough cleaning. I am also going to take inventory of my beauty needs and start budgeting out for them. This is going to be a great weekend. Tomorrow I will go to Zumba and I will track what I eat. I will also sweep and mop my floors.

Day 41

I did something really unselfish today. I planned on going to kick boxing and I really wanted to go. I actually enjoy my Thursday class. However, my new boss came up to me and said she was having a hard day and needed to go out to lunch. She is really sweet and although I don’t like my job I really want to see her succeed. So I went out to lunch with her. I ended up having a great lunch. I ordered a healthy, grilled shrimp salad with the dressing on the side.

Work is so crazy for me right now that I am seriously holding back tears sometimes. I keep telling myself “just hold it together,” “don’t cry,” “don’t yell at anyone.” I know I sound like a monster at work but I’m actually really pleasant to work with. I just feel completely unappreciated and dumped on. Ugh I can’t believe I’m wasting a blog on work.

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Leave work no matter how crazy I am so I can go weigh in.
2. Go to an exercise class.
3. Come up with a code word that anyone can tell me to snap me out of worry mode.


Good Night Everyone!

Day 40

I can’t believe how great I’m doing this week. I’m stressed and angry at work. I’m PMS’ing. I feel really uninspired about everything. I am shocked that although I don’t have any motivation for weight loss or dreams, I am still going through the motions. I’m so stinkin proud of myself. I have made a conscious decision today that I will no longer tell myself “you’re not doing enough.” That’s such bullshit. Why the hell do we do that to ourselves? I’m doing plenty. In fact, I’m a warrior beast that is living out my full potential. I haven’t bragged about myself in a long time. Here it goes.

I have worked out consistently for SIX Weeks!
I have tracked what I eat for 40 Days!
I have blogged for 40 Days!
I have LOST 12 pounds since January 1!
I have a photographer that I feel excited to take my headshots!
I registered my business with the State of New York!
I take my son to daycare everyday and pick him up in this GOD-awful Cold!
With all the stress I’m under, I always show my co-workers love and respect.

GUESS WHAT…I’M A BADASS!

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will go to kickboxing.

Day 39

I went to a new body conditioning class and it was surprisingly easier than my regular class. I also found out that three kalamata olives are 1 point. I thought nine olives would be one point. Oh well, for me these are worth the points. I made this incredible wrap today. It had kalamata olives, feta, grape tomatoes, mixed greens, one teaspoon of olive oil, one teaspoon of balsamic vinegar, and dried cranberries. This was on a whole grain wrap. It was really good. I made it nice and fat too. It was 12 points but the wrap that I was inspired by was 18 points. Tonight I made tacos and rice for Ellison and Adjei and I only had a bite of the meat and rice. My boys love tacos and rice and I love to make them meals that they enjoy but right now I don’t trust myself with Mexican food. I know that sounds really crazy but Mexican food is a trigger food for me. I just don’t have the will power to stop when I’m full, so right now I choose not to eat it.

Tomorrow I will track what I eat. I will continue to snack on fruit. I will go to my really intense body conditioning class. I will also wake up earlier.

Gratitude List
I am grateful that I haven’t given up.
I am grateful that Ellison doesn’t have school tomorrow night.
I am grateful that Ellison has a job.
I am grateful that Ellison believes in me so much.
I am grateful to have a husband with such a beautiful smile.

I’m a mush mush tonight.

Day 38

Today I walked into my apartment and I felt so grateful. I was remembering when I was a little girl and how I envisioned my life. I always wanted to live in NYC and I would fantasize about one day having my own apartment. One of my favorite things to do was pick up one of those apartment guides at Mac’s La Sierra and look at all the apartments. It’s kind of cool to know that some of the things I envisioned as a kid came true. I get scared with the risks I'm getting ready to take but I'm going to trust my vision.

I didn’t go to the gym tonight and I am perfectly okay with that. I hate Mondays but I'm enjoying spending time with Ellison. Ellison and I were super organized tonight with getting Adjei fed, washed, read to, and in bed. Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning during lunch. I will prepare my lunch and track. I will also wake up earlier so it is less chaotic in the morning.

Day37

Today was a great day. I got to see my BFF, her awesome husband, and my new most amazing baby Luca. We went to lunch where they had these incredible burgers. My husband ordered the dream burger with cheese and bacon. I enjoyed myself with a few fries but I tried to make healthy choices by getting a side salad with my Turkey Burger.

I am so not a Super Bowl kind of girl. I grew up in a household where the TV and the weekends were dominated by sports. To this day, if my dad or my mom is visiting, they want to watch whatever game is in season. One game after the other, they will watch. I’ve tried to like football because so many people do but the only thing I like about it is the sound, because it reminds me of home.

Tomorrow I will go to my body conditioning class and I will track what I eat. I want to lose two pounds this week so I can get out of the 200’s. I have to step up my game! My jeans are feeling kind of baggy…Woo Hoo!

Day 36

I had so many excuses not to go to the gym this morning. It’s raining. I should use this time to relax. I’m having so much fun with Ellison and Adjei. It’s Saturday. I didn’t put myself on the list for Zumba. I can start on Monday. Then I decided to read the blog I posted yesterday because I noticed an old friend liked it on facebook. I thought, “Wow, let me read this again.” I’m narcissistic that way. So it was 10 minutes before I had to leave and I read my last blog and the last line caught me…”I REALLY WANT THIS!” So I rushed to the bathroom took a super quick shower to ignite some energy and ran out in the rain to go to Zumba. I had a really great time and I was so glad that I went.

I feel like I’m on track again and of course it’s all because of exercise. If I am working out it benefits me more mentally than anything else. I know it’s changing me physically but exercise puts me in a better mood, it gives me more confidence, and I feel stronger. Such a nice start to the week.

Tomorrow I am going to see my BEST FRIEND Alisa and I finally get to meet my new baby cakes Luca. Ellison and I are already nuts about this little guy. Hopefully my little monster won’t get too jealous. My Adjei doesn’t even let my husband hug me. He is so possessive. ☺

My goals for tomorrow are to leave no later than 9:00 a.m and track everything I eat. I also want to start eating a lot slower. I eat like I will never eat again. I did grow up with four brothers but I want to start tasting my food.

Day 35

I lost .4 of a pound! Woo Hoo! I’m so happy I didn’t gain. Although I went over my points this week, all the walking I do around the city must have saved me. I am .7 away from being less than 200 pounds. This week I am going to stay really focused. The meeting was so fitting with what I’m feeling. It was all about not giving up just because you have a bad day or a bad week. My leader used the analogy that if you dropped one egg, would you take the rest of the eggs and throw them on the floor? Absolutely not, you would just clean up the egg and move on. One thing she also asked everyone is “What do you want?” “What do you really want?” I started to really meditate on this question and the answer was that I want to make sure I do everything in my power to live a long and healthy life. I want Adjei to be healthy, happy, and free and I don’t ever want him to worry about me. I know he will worry because with love comes fear but I don’t want it to be because I’m fat. I also want Adjei to learn healthy habits and I want him to be proud of himself. The only way I can teach him this is by example.

So with all that said, when times get hard and I feel like this is too much work I will reflect on my two year old. Adjei is feisty and very determined like most two year olds. He will NOT give in when he wants something. Sometimes his resistance will crack me up. He will be my inspiration when I don’t feel like going to the gym. I will say to myself “NOOOOOO, I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS!”


I am grateful for my leader Maggie who is so inspirational and loving.
I am grateful for being able to exercise.
I am grateful for my relationship with my Papa, he is my best friend.
I am grateful for my four very protective and loving brothers.
I am grateful for all my trials in life because they teach me compassion and faith.


Good Night

Day 34

(Big Deep Breath) Why can’t I get this under control? I exceeded my points probably more than I even tracked because I will admit I didn’t track bites of my son’s food and I didn’t measure anything in the last couple of days. I feel angry and disappointed in myself. Tonight I had only 2 points left and I could’ve just had an apple. Instead I finished the pasta I made for my son and I added cheese on top of it. I didn’t even enjoy it. I just didn’t want to waste it. I’m afraid to weigh in tomorrow because I’m afraid it’s going to be a gain. I am only 2 pounds away from being less than 200 pounds and I really thought this would be the week. I’m so pissed.

I didn’t exercise today but I did clean my house and I did enjoy my son. I also got some unfinished work done for my management company. I think that’s why I’m over eating. I feel the deadlines I’ve given myself and I’m comforting myself with food once again. I’m not talking about weight deadlines; it’s the career deadlines. I have a really hard time working on multiple things at once. I’m very narrow-minded sometimes. If I am focusing on one aspect of my life, I’m good. However, when I try to work on other aspects of my life, I let the other go. What’s wrong with me?

(Big Deep Breath) I will not stop trying. I will not stop trying. I will not give up. Tomorrow is a brand new day and I will track what I eat. I will measure my food. I will go work out after work. I will also stay positive no matter what the number on the scale says.

“When I dare to be powerful – to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

-Audre Lorde

Day 33

After reading some of my fellow follow through blogs and reading the last couple of my blogs, I realized I was being really ungrateful. I also realized that I was going back to the same behavior for the same reasons. Responsibility and boredom equals bad attitude, which equals over eating. I noticed that whenever I have more responsibility than I’m comfortable with, I start to feel overwhelmed and I get moody and lazy. My workouts have been consistent now for 5 weeks. It is built into my mind as something I have to do. It’s not this exciting event anymore it’s a routine. Therefore, I’m bored so I start to resent it. The point of everything I am doing is not for an event. It is to change my life forever. I want to change my career and I want to lose weight and keep it off forever. This takes work and I have to accept it. If I can’t accept the extra work to change, then I have to find peace with where I am.

I need to do what worked in January. I tracked. I cooked and prepared 90% of my meals. I exercised 4 times a week. I read and participated in all my follow through blogs. I had a positive and aggressive attitude for life and change.

I didn’t go to the gym tonight because Ellison had to work late. I will enjoy the rest and stay positive. Tomorrow I will be home with Adjei again because my baby is sick. I won’t be able to go the gym but I will do squats, lunges, pushups and sit-ups.

Quote of the Day

“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear.”
-Rosa Parks

Day 32

Today has been okay. I ate 47 points today and have depleted all my weekly points and I now I only have 14 activity points left. I can tell when I’m over eating because the food is just so good and I can tell when I’m over eating because of stress. Right now I’m eating because of stress. The weather, work, morning tantrums, and a dirty house; everything is weighing down on me right now. I need my mom.

Tomorrow I will not eat my feelings and I will continue to track. I will also go to body conditioning and give it my best effort.

Gratitude List
I am grateful for music.
I am grateful for my best friend Alisa.
I am grateful for my kindred spirit.
I am grateful for my warm home especially in this cold weather.
I am grateful for my baby boy. He always makes me happy no matter how many tantrums he has.