Day 181

I have a confession to make. I haven’t tracked yesterday or today and it’s definitely causing me some problems. I can’t believe I have to hold myself on such a tight leash. I had a horrible snacking day today. Adjei and I went into the city without his stroller and I should have known better. Poor guy got so tired that by the time we were on our way back home, he had a MAJOR crying fit on the train. It was so bad that someone came over and tried to take him from me to comfort him. I thought it was a kind gesture but I know my son and it only made it worse. Anyway, I remained calm and collective but after we got off the train, I comforted us both with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Then it was downhill from there. I feel awful for doing that. I’m not against giving my son ice cream but I don’t want to create in him the habits I’m trying to battle. I hate writing when it’s been an embarrassing crap day. I always consider just forgetting to blog so no one knows when I fucked up. I have to track and I have to set the tone by tracking in the morning and not waiting until the evening to track the day. Tomorrow I will go to a spin class. I’m doing a babysitting swap with my neighbor/friend, so I get a few hours to myself and Adjei gets to play with his best buddy. Woo Hoo!

Day 180

I’m tired tonight. I went to body conditioning and it was tough. I was actually tempted to leave in the middle of class. I didn’t but sometimes my head is just not into it. I stuck it out and I’m so glad I did. My eating was good but a little too much. I’m feeling great and I’m so happy that I’m not feeling fat this summer. It’s awful to feel ashamed of your body when it’s hot. I’m not even thin but I feel good so in my mind I look pretty good too. Some women feel that way at 300 pounds and more power to them. I have always felt so uncomfortable in summer clothes. Not this summer! A friend of mine actually commented that he has never seen me wear sleeveless shirts before. Well I’m wearing dresses and tank tops and it feels oh so good. I’ve even been browsing the platforms. The heels are coming back.

Tomorrow I am going running. Yes, I will say this until I do it dammit. I will also control my portions even with the healthy stuff.

Day 179

I had another great eating day but I didn’t go running. I seriously can’t get motivated to get up in the morning and go. I’m not too worried about it because I am working out but I was enjoying running. I’m feeling really good and I know that my success is because I have lots of fruits and vegetables in the fridge. I’m so excited because I made these really healthy turkey meatballs and Adjei, my very picky two year old, loves them. He ate them for lunch and dinner today. I got the recipe from urbanmommy.com. It’s the turkey and quinoa meatballs. I didn’t use yeast because I didn’t have but they were fine.

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning. I'd like to stay for the abs workout after but we’ll see. Usually I rush home to kiss my binky goodnight. I will also track what I eat and stay within my points.

Day 178

I turned the junk weekend around. Woot Woot! Yes, I just raised the roof. Usually after a bad weekend of eating, it takes me a few days to bounce back but I had an excellent eating day. Now I'm going into a shake shake...shimmy shimmy. I also went to body conditioning and worked my tail feather OFF! I feel much better about the week. I was so close to skipping the gym tonight. I had absolutely no desire to exercise. Then I started to force myself to thing positive about it and I offered it up for everyone who couldn’t do the class even if they wanted to. I also offered it up as gratitude for having a healthy son and husband. I had no energy but mediating on gratitude and positive thoughts before class, really made me go hard. Tomorrow I will go running in the morning. I will also eat within my points and track it all.

Day 177

It has been a dreadful eating weekend. I actually feel sick. I haven’t eaten this poorly in a long time and I’m paying for it. It ended tonight with a bacon and sausage pizza from Papa Johns. I feel like I have morning sickness. Every smell is making me sick. My eating today has been an absolute disaster. What bothers me most, is all the junk I’ve been shoveling into my mouth, hasn’t even been worth it. I can see if it were amazing food that I’m splurging on but it wasn’t. It’s the type of food that when you’re eating it, you’re thinking “eh, this is kind of okay, maybe a little gross but I’m going to finish it.” Am I the only crazy person that continues to eat something even though I’m not enjoying it? WTF?! I haven’t had one vegetable or one piece of fruit today. I can’t even identify why I’ve been so careless today. I don’t want to track any of it because I feel like I would be tracking forever. I am going to track it though. Ugh I feel hung over. This is a really bad feeling.

Okay this is the deal. I need to get off of sugar for now. It makes me into a very mean and negative person. I think I’m allergic to it. I know I sound crazy but whenever I eat an abundance of sugar, I wake up with a sugar hangover. It also sends me into an overeating frenzy. So I am giving up refined sugar for one month to test my theory. Tomorrow I will eat vegetables and fruit with EVERY meal. I will also go to body conditioning.

Day 176

I lost .6 today and that’s a huge success because it’s the second day of Ms. Bitchface. I told my mom what I named her and my mom didn’t like the name. She thought it was cruel and I should call her Ms. I Need Attention. Or Ms. I Need TLC. I told her I tried the friendly route with this asshole and it doesn’t work. So I call her the bitch she is. I ate a whopping 63 points and I feel gross. Tomorrow I will go running, hopefully. I need a sugar detox after all the cake I just ate.

Day 175

I’m not feeling very well today. I’ve been feeling nauseas for a few days and no, I’m not pregnant. I didn’t go running or to body conditioning but I will go to Zumba tomorrow. I need to transfer my online tracker to the paper community tracker. I prefer tracking online as opposed to paper. Well goodnight everyone, I need to feel better.

Day 174

Nothing much to say tonight. I had a good eating day but no exercise. I tried on my skinny jeans and they barely button, but they button! These are the designer jeans I paid way too much money for years ago. I’m in a crabby mood but I know it’s because of you know who. I have to remind myself that everything is in order and I’m not behind on everything I need to do. I haven’t gone running and I really need to get back into it. I just can’t get motivated. Maybe I need some new music to inspire me. Tomorrow I really want to go running or to body conditioning. I will also eat within my points.

Day 173

I’m doing so good this week and this is usually not the case because of Ms. B. I’ve wanted to eat like a beast but I’m not. Instead, I’m drinking water. I went to body conditioning and it was once again a terrific workout. Oh, I have some exciting news about a major change in my body. My engagement ring fits!! I haven’t worn this ring in almost five years because my fingers got so fat. I would try it on every couple of weeks because I’ve really missed wearing it. It represents so much to me because I know how hard Ellison worked for it. He had it on layaway for almost a year. It’s not a flashy ring but it’s so beautiful. I was once self-conscious of it because I thought people wouldn’t think it wasn't big enough. Or people would think that Ellison didn’t love me enough to buy me a huge rock of a diamond. Now I look at that ring and I feel so humbled and grateful of the life we have. I will never ever change the rings Ellison bought me.

Tomorrow I will go running and I will track everything I eat. I also have a lot of business tasks to take care of.

Day 172

I had lunch today with one of my dearest friends, Danny. He's actually more like family now. Anyway, so much good stuff came out of that lunch. It was like a moment you know God orchestrated. I was telling Danny that I felt really scared to start acting again and I was so afraid to put in the work and fail. He said something to me that was really powerful. He said, “I think, you just need to love yourself enough to know you deserve it.” I’ve heard this before but hearing it from him resonated with me. Sometimes I convince myself that my doubts are the truth. Then there are times when I just get so nervous about acting that I think it’s not for me because working actors probably don’t feel this way. Well I’ve made a promise to make a real attempt at an acting career this year and it’s going to happen. I need to keep pushing through fear and taking action. Action is what builds confidence.

My eating today wasn’t bad but I used 10 weekly points and I’m still hungry. I’m thinking it’s not hunger pains but stress pains. Danny also coined a new phrase for me. He told me that Patti Lapone was one of his happy triggers. I absolutely loved that. I need to make a music play list for my happy triggers. Also reading the journeys of my fellow Follow Throughers are happy triggers for me. Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and I will eat within my points.

Day 171

I went to body conditioning and good lord this woman tried to kill me. I seriously thought I was going to die. It was really hard. Hell it was hard to even go to the gym tonight because I was so tired that I just wanted to watch the Bachelorette and pig out on my lasagna. Thank goodness for the group tracker because I refuse to go in the negative this week.

I had an excellent eating day. I didn’t go over my points and I even have two to spare. I’m not going to eat them just because I have them. I was able to eat some of my lasagna tonight. I weighed exactly 6oz of it and had it over a huge salad.

Tomorrow I need to go running. I will also stay within my points and track what I eat. The week is off to a great start. Take that Ms. Bitchface!

Day 170

I just cooked like a wild beast and I’m exhausted. I made Ellison fatty lasagna but I promised him I would make it without modifications. There are just some meals for some occasions, that can’t be modified. I did make one behavior change with it though. Instead of making a full tray, which I normally do, I made a small dish of it. I made just enough for my EBerg to take to work and have for dinner if he wants. I ate about half my weekly points this weekend but that just means that I adjust the week to be more conservative with food and more aggressive with exercise.

Today we went to another church and it was really great but we liked the church we went to last week more. We are still on our mission to find our home church and it’s bringing our family closer together. Today Adjei was screaming, “I don’t want to see Jesus!” Oh my dear son. It was a great day today.

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and I will eat within my point range. I also need to take some steps towards my acting ambitions. I still have it in my head that I need to lose more weight. I wish I could go back to the mindset of just doing without thinking or judging. I’m getting there.

Day 169

It’s been a great day with eating, exercise, family, and tracking. I started my day off with a run. I haven’t been running in awhile so I wasn’t even able to do two miles but I still felt great. When I dread exercising, I always give myself permission to do the bare minimum. It usually ends up with me doing much more. Then I went to my weight watchers meeting and I was really excited even though I was negative 39 points. To my delight, I lost 1.4 pounds! I was so excited I actually volunteered to take home the group-tracking book. We have a community tracker that when someone anticipates a challenging week, they take home the public tracker. I’m excited because I’m competitive so I will try to do extra great this week. I also took the book because this is the week before Ms. Bitch Face comes and we all know how I prepare for her, by stuffing my face of course! Finally, I went to the Natural History Museum with the family. It is unbelievable how much being in shape changes your life. I used to hate that museum and it’s because I would get so tired from walking so much. I actually had a really great time and it was really fascinating. I didn’t get tired or moody… AND I didn’t eat cake at the café. I love having cake and coffee when I go somewhere special. After, we all went to Shake Shack, which is a famous burger spot in NYC. I shared a small cup of ice cream with Adjei and I ate exactly 10 fries. This sounds like I tortured myself but I actually felt good about myself after. My leader said something today that I believe has been my motto throughout this whole journey. “It’s not about perfection, it’s about persistence”- Liz.

Tomorrow I will go running before I make my Ellison the most kick ass Father’s Day breakfast of the year. I’m making eggs, maple bacon, blue corn pancakes, and mixed fruit. I feel really good guys. I’m also trying another Church tomorrow. I love shopping for Churches. It’s fun and I look forward to this time with my family. I will also track, track, track!!

Day 168

It has been a bad week for eating but I’m happy that I tracked everything. I ended the week with a negative 39 points. I’m expecting to either have a small gain or stay the same when I weigh in. At least tomorrow I get a clean slate. It’s Fathers Day weekend and we have a lot of eating plans so I have to be really careful.

Tomorrow I will either go running or to Zumba. I’m also going to the Museum of Natural History. Boring! Sorry, I just don’t like that museum. However, Ellison loves it and it’s his weekend.

Day 167

I was feeling really tired tonight and then a friend from college posted an article asking if all kids should go to college. I started to reflect on this and after reading the article I felt sad. This topic makes me want to become some kind of career counselor to women out of jail or teen dropouts. I believe all people should have the option to go to college because sometimes your high school accomplishments do not reflect what you are capable of. I'm proof of that. There needs to be more life counseling and career coaching done in high school and college. I went to college and I’m still damn trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Our society puts so much emphasis on having a degree that it sometimes takes good, smart people out of the race. How do we change this mindset? Maybe we don't. Maybe we're not putting enough emphasis on education anymore but instead on instant fame and fortune.

I didn’t exercise and I ate so so. I will do some form of exercise tomorrow because it makes me a much happier person.

Day 166

I just kicked ass once again at body conditioning. That class is so great and so hard. When you leave there, you know that you’ve worked your tail feather OFF. I finally doubled my step today. I usually only use a total of two steps but today I used four. I also had a really good eating day. I have to accept that I shouldn’t have sugar because it makes me a mean person. I think Adjei inherited this sugar trait too. I usually let him pick out something at the grocery store and it’s always cookies. Well we haven’t been to the grocery store lately because I did my shopping online. Yes, in NYC we are spoiled and we can order groceries online and have them delivered. It’s great. So I haven’t been to the store so Adjei hasn’t had cookies and he’s been so pleasant

I’ve tracked really well this week and I am now 16 points in the hole. I’ve taken the emotion and judgment out of tracking and I don’t feel so bad about the negative number. I’m still trying to break even by the end of the week with exercise. I’m like working backwards. Tomorrow I will go running and I will track what I eat.

Day 165

So today wasn’t great with eating. In fact the only thing good about it was that I tracked everything and now I’m 20 points in the hole. I am not going to get down on myself because it’s life. I will have days that I struggle and I will have days that are very easy. I didn’t go running because I’ve gotten into the terrible habit of staying up late and waking up later than I usually do. If I don't wake up by 6:00, I can't go running and lately i've been dragging out of bed at 7:00. I seem to go through these cycles of kick ass and then slump dumps. I can still save this week if I eat within my points and I exercise. I will not gain more weight this week.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will eat within my points and I will go to body conditioning.

Day 164

Holy smoke guys! I hadn’t been to my body conditioning class in a couple of weeks and it kicked my bootay. During class I was thinking about how proud I am of the work I’ve done to lose weight. It’s hard work and sometimes I focus too much on the negative. I’m already sore so I know I’m going to be really sore tomorrow. My eating was better today. I don’t have any extra points left for the week but that just means I need to exercise a lot.

Tomorrow I will go for a run and I will also track what I eat. So I leave you with the song I sing to my son…”Don’t stop, don’t give up, keep trying, keep trying, don’t give up, don’t give up!” …Courtesy of Yo Gabba Gabba.

Day 163

So it was a fabulous day. The family went to a new Church and Adjei had a blast. That’s all I want is for Adjei not to feel tortured by going to Church. I know that I need to put God before everything if I want to feel like the free happy spirit I truly am. We are not entitled to a perfect life so I need to set a strong foundation for my baby. I feel like I am totally off the wagon when it comes to eating and exercise. However, I know what it takes to get back on so I’m not going to beat myself up. Once I have that super duper workout, I’ll be right back on track. I tracked every single bite this weekend and I’m really proud of it because I ate over 100 points, blah! I love Frances McDormand. Sorry Ellison just switched to the Tony’s because he’s pissed about the game. Yay for me!

Tomorrow I finally get to go to body conditioning. I will also eat within my points.

Day 162

I got my hair did, my nails done, and watched Adele videos with my hubby. Yes, it’s been a pretty awesome Saturday. Its so crazy how different Ellison and I are but we click so much when it comes to our creative spirits and outlook on life. My brother Kenny told me that I’d better be able to be myself with whomever I fall in love with. Well, I’m sure my coo coo self drives Ellison crazy most of the time but it’s all truth.

Today I weighed in and I gained 2 pounds. I knew it was going to be a gain because I ate like shit and I didn’t exercise. Surprise! It just gave me motivation to hit it hard this week. I’m also signing up for another 5k in September. My papa is coming to visit and we want to make this a tradition for us. I talked to my sister in law and she wants to get in on the action too. Tomorrow I am going to a new Church and I am very excited. I will also go for a run and I will track what I eat.

Day 161

Okay not a great week for fitness or eating but tomorrow I get a brand new week. That’s why I love weight watchers because you always get a new start. I really hope I don’t gain and I’m tempted not to weigh in but I know I should. Luckily, I have a manicure and hair appointment after my WW meeting. That should comfort my sorrows if any. I’m getting a few highlights painted in my hair and I need to touch up these roots. I love going to the salon. If I could afford it, I would go twice a week.
I have to start my week off with exercise tomorrow. It’s a must! So I will go running and I will start my week off with healthy eating and tracking.

Oh by the way, the fashion in NYC tonight was amazing. I was walking the city with my hubby and it was like a runway show. I just kept looking at outfits thinking, “I’m going to wear that and that and that!”

Day 160

This week has been a bit rough. I haven’t worked out much and I can certainly feel the difference in how I feel. I was telling Ellison tonight that if he needs to make a hard decision, he should work out beyond what he thinks he can do. When I do a class that pushes me or I run more than I think I can, I always have clarity after. Tonight I was watching “So You Think You Can Dance” and I was in absolute admiration. I love dancers. They are always so humble and they inspire me so much. I love to dance. I really love to dance.

My eating has been very rocky but I have been tracking. I’m in the negative by 15 points but I’m still not throwing in the towel. I will try again tomorrow. I really need to go running. I also need to focus on my prayer life. I’ve been anxious and sad all week and exercise can’t overpower God. When I'm having weeks like this, I look at it as a blessing because it means that God is moving me to do something. I’m listening Lord!

Tomorrow I will go running and I will also track what I eat.

Day 159

Today has been another good day. Adjei and I played at the park for a couple of hours before it got too hot. I haven’t blown my points and even had a little bit of ice cream. I haven’t done much exercise besides playing with my boo bear. Ellison has to work late tonight so I won’t be able to go to the gym. I will try to go for a short 20-minute run when he gets home. I have three points left for the evening and I’m not that hungry. I’m going to have 3 oz of grilled chicken and a salad. I really want to stay at 29 points today. I made the most incredible iced coffee. The trick is, making it a little stronger and freezing it so it turns into slush. I’m really starting to love the way my body is looking. I can see the changes and it makes me so happy. I know I’m going to keep the weight off this time because I’m not giving myself a deadline to lose the weight. I take it one day at a time. If I have a bad day, I try again the next. I also know that what I’m doing now I can do for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I will be grateful and I will eat within my points.

Day 158

Today was a much better day. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I ate sensibly and I went for my run. I planned on going to a spin class but then at the last minute I decided I didn’t want to work that hard. I jogged/sprinted/walked for 45 minutes. I jogged for almost two miles before I started my intervals. I think my mind and body are finally readjusted back to life. I always take it really hard when I have to say goodbye to my family and friends. Today I also made it my focus to live in a state of constant gratitude. That helped me a lot too. I enjoyed my son like 100 times more than I usually do. I think he even felt it because he just kept holding my face and kissing me. Dear Lord I’m crazy for him. Thank you, thank you God!!

Tomorrow I will be grateful and I will focus on the positive. I will also do some exercise and not eat my feelings; I will stay within my point range.

Day 157

I am having the hardest time shaking off this sadness. I’m trying so hard to find and live up to my purpose that I guess I forget how lonely NYC can be. It’s not until I go home to my family that I remember what it’s like to be spoiled with love. I just feel so lonely lately. Then I feel ungrateful because I have an incredible husband who is trying to make up for it. I haven’t lived in New Mexico since 2000 so you would think I would be over this homesickness by now. My fear is that I’m going to lose someone close to me and I will regret not having spent enough time with them. Wow, I feel like a nut bag for even sharing that. Well this is how I feel right now. This is why I’m sabotaging myself. I’m also afraid that it will all be for nothing because I’m a big fat coward. I’m a mess and I’m embarrassed. Then the fucking narcissist in me is fantasizing how this post is going to end up in US Magazine one day. I have problems. I’m surprised I haven’t taken pictures of myself crying.

Okay, I’ve cried with you all and now I really have to move on. Tomorrow…I WILL go running. I will NOT eat my feelings. I WILL LIVE in gratitude.

Day 156

It’s so crazy how you can convince yourself that you didn’t do so badly with your eating. I think that’s why I really like tracking because it gives you real clarity as to how much you’re eating. It’s especially easy to convince yourself that you didn’t eat poorly when you’re having a rough day. Today is my 7th year anniversary and I'm so grateful for my honey. I was kind of a downer. I’ve been extremely tired from my trip to New Mexico and I was having a hard time coming to life today. I was dragging ass like I hadn’t slept or had any coffee. The whole family was kind of moody and tired. I’ve said this before but I have no will power when I’m tired. I simply don’t care about making healthy choices. I need to spank myself into action. I need to get my binky back on a schedule. I need to update my résumé’s. I need to get my headshots. I just feel so heavy lately. Not weight heavy but pressure heavy. Maybe I’m trying to take credit for everything and I just need to relax, have faith, and give it all to God.

Tomorrow I will go for a run and I will track what I eat.

Day 155

It's been two weeks since my last weigh in and I lost 5 pounds!! I am almost in the 60’s and I am so excited. Today was almost a day where I just said F it to weighing in and exercising. I had to take a damn shuttle bus because the L train wasn't running and that added another 45 minutes to my regular 20 minute commute. I had a choice to either make my meeting or go to Zumba. I decided that Zumba would benefit me more. The class was great even though the air conditioning was out. After the class I rushed to my meeting, hoping they would still be there. They had shut down the computers but still had the scales available. At first they said they wouldn't weigh me but then the girl could tell I was really disappointed so she said she would give me a complimentary weigh in. It was a great day.

My laptop battery is broken and it feels a little weird to be writing this on Ellison’s laptop. It feels foreign. He’s a PC and I’m a Mac. I feel like I’m at work.

Tomorrow I will run and I will also track what I eat.

Day 154

Today wasn’t a great day for eating. I’ve also been full of anxiety, so I know that is definitely contributing. Adjei hit his head and got a huge bump. I quietly lose my mind when my child gets hurt. I go to the top of the “what if” tragedy list. I get so crazy with fear when it comes to my little man. I want to be a carefree mom but I start thinking the worst. My brother had a head injury when he was Adjei’s age and my mom thinks it may have contributed to certain things he struggles with today. I think I’m just feeling some of the aftermath of saying goodbye to my family. I ate terribly today. I hate feeling anxious and I especially hate it when I can’t shake it of with prayer. I seriously want to cry for no reason. I miss my family. I just want to brush it all under the rug so I can get on with being happy.

Gratitude list:
My son, my love of my life
A happy and peaceful home
A loving and supportive husband
The best parents in the world
A healthy body
Nice hair
Brothers that love me so much
Nice weather
Mornings
Air conditioning
Cold clean water
Coffee

Tomorrow I will go to my WW meeting and I will go for an early morning run or Zumba. I will also start tracking again.

Day 153

Well I’m back in Brooklyn and it feels really good to be with my hubby. My poor baby Adjei is completely off his schedule and I am certainly paying for it with all the tantrums he’s had over the past couple of days. I was so happy to see Ellison that I’m actually watching a basketball game. My eating was crap de crap today. I am starting fresh tomorrow. I am going to go for a run in the morning and I’m really looking forward it.

Day 152

My last night in Albuquerque. :( I feel ready to get back to my hubby and routine but I’m going to miss my family so much. I felt anxious and moody all day. It also didn’t help that Adjei stuffed change in my laptop. Pennies are still falling out of the disk slip. I didn’t eat very well today and I didn’t track. I don’t have much to say except that I will leave with a positive attitude. I will let myself be sad but I will focus on the new memories I have. I saw friends that I hadn’t seen in years. My Papa and me ran our first 5k together. My tootsie, brother Dave, and I cleaned our family’s graves. Adjei bonded with his cousins. I tangoed with my brothers James and Matthew. It really doesn’t get better than that.

Tomorrow I will be happy. I'm going to take the spirit of my family and this beautiful city with me.