Day 120

So our meeting today was about how do we get to that blissful place when things feel magnificent with program. When you’re feeling positive and you're tracking and you’re making healthy choices and everything is great. You’re like wonder woman with your shields against temptation. Bing bing! That's me blocking the dips and excessive sugar. Well, a lot of good reasons came up. Some of the reasons that stood out to me were: preparing, gratitude, acceptance, behavior changes, positive self talk, going to meetings, knowing that the tide will change good or bad, and walking through fear. My leader compared WW to her relationship with her husband. She said that sometimes everything is so great and you're so in love and you feel like life is perfect. Then the tide changes and there is either no time to see each other or your expectations are not being met. Then you're just pissed and you're like "why am I with this person?!"

This analogy made me look at how I respond to myself when I’m not doing well. I show myself very little compassion and I feel like it’s never going to change. I realized that during times of struggle I need to remember that this process is always going to be up and down because this is part of the relationship I have with myself. So the question is: What do I do then when I'm not doing well with eating or exercise? I came up with the following:

1. Go to a meeting.
2. Accept that things aren't perfect.
3. Forgive myself over and over again.
4. Acknowledge the changes I've made.
5. Push through something that scares me.
6. Challenge myself to do something that I think I can’t.
7. Try and try again.

My leader said that if something scares you, then you're probably heading towards the right direction. I really try to live my life by this because every time I’ve walked through fear, I get more confident. Today has been a great day and I made really healthy choices. I didn’t even use any of my weekly points. Tomorrow I will go to kickboxing and I will track what I eat.

Day 119

This week has been a tough week and I think I know where I went wrong. Every weekend I exercise. In fact, it’s normally my most difficult workouts. Well, not as hard as body conditioning but definitely higher in cardio. Last weekend I really just wanted to wake up and have breakfast with my boys and lounge. Plus there was lots of chocolate and I can’t resist chocolate. It was great but I really need to exercise both Saturday and Sunday to start my week off right and I can’t have a lot of sugar. This weekend I will be eating out a lot because I’m meeting up with friends both Saturday and Sunday. I will need to be mindful the whole weekend so I don’t start off on the wrong foot. Tomorrow I’m going running and I will push myself hard. I think I may even work on a play list tonight. I’m going to try really hard not to be upset if I gain tomorrow. I'm super tired tonight.

Day 118

I didn’t track today and I skipped my run because my partner cancelled. I didn’t bag exercise all together. I came home and Adjei said that he wanted to go exercise with me so he and I walked to my favorite coffee shop. It’s normally a ten-minute walk but it turned into a 40-minute walk because toddlers love to explore. It was a lot of fun and I spent a good part of that time running up and down the street with Adjei. Adjei is super fast. People at the park laugh at me because I am constantly running behind him. He doesn’t stop and when he looks back and I’m close, the little dude accelerates.

I didn’t have a great eating day but I did manage to avoid the hot fudge sundae I wanted. The great thing about weight watchers is I know I always get a new week with a clean slate. I’m actually looking forward to weighing in on Saturday and burying the week. I also booked my trip to NM. Adjei and I are going to Buque for 10 days and I can’t wait.

Tomorrow I will go for a run in the morning. I didn’t want to say that because I’m afraid I won’t go but I’m going to go!! I can’t stop saying I’m going to do things even if I don’t always follow through. I will also not eat everything I want to eat right now. I will negotiate with myself.

Day 117

I just finished watching Oprah. I actually recorded it because it was a show about looking 20 years younger. They basically were saying that there were four elements: nutrition, exercise, skin care, and sleep. The show wasn’t bad but I was really disappointed in the message. Oprah’s fitness coach/friend wrote a book about looking 20 years younger in 60 days. I was so annoyed by the whole 60-day fix. Oprah even asked him if someone should wait to do this program or do what he or she can. This guy actually said a person should wait until they could fully commit. I thought that was such bullshit. If I waited until I knew I could fully commit, I certainly wouldn’t be 25 pounds lighter. It is so much easier to justify not eating healthy or not exercising because of being too busy. Hell sometimes I think losing weight takes too much time with the preparing, shopping, cooking, and exercising. Ugh what a terrible answer. I appreciate that there are people like him in the world but he doesn’t understand the drive behind why someone over eats. Maybe he meant that the 60-day challenge would give you enough momentum to create new and better habits. I’m in a pissy mood.

My anger tonight is also because I skipped the gym and I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve only exercised twice this week and they weren’t that vigorous. I’m nervous to go running with my partner tomorrow. What If I don’t have any motivation? I feel really moody since I haven’t had a great eating day and I didn’t go work out.

Tomorrow is another day and I will do better with my eating and I will go running. Try and try again, right?

Day 116

Today has been an amazing day. This is exactly what I fantasized about when I was deciding to stay home with Adjei. The weather is a perfect 80 degrees with a very subtle breeze. I mean, absolutely perfect. We went to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden today, which happens to be one of my favorite places on earth. It is so beautiful and smells so good I could just live there. I have done everything I put on my list yesterday. I have seven points left for dinner and I am going to do what I can to eat a seven point meal.

I went for a jog this morning but I didn’t run more than a mile. I didn’t have my partner today so I didn’t push myself as hard. I enjoyed walking though. It was peaceful and I kept telling myself it was more than what I did yesterday. I also discovered the meaning of life on my walk.:) Do you want to know the secret to happiness and success? Oh yes, old wise one, please tell. Okay. I know this is not original but if you give more than you receive, you’re likely to be a happier person. If you take and take and take, you’re going to find the universe taking from you. I’m certainly not the role model for this but I thought I would share with you what the Holy Spirit was saying to me. "God is trying to tell you something!" Do you guys remember that song from "The Color Purple?" One of my favorite movies of all time!

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and I will track what I eat.

Day 115

I had another bad eating day and I didn’t track. I didn’t go to the gym either. I’m feeling upset about it and I’m trying really hard to get re-motivated. I think I PMS for two weeks out of the month. Poor Ellison. So I need to get very strategic. What are the things I need to do to get my power back?

1. Go for a run in the morning with my partner and push myself.
2. Stick to my rule of snacking on fruit during the day.
3. Finish one thing that I’ve been procrastinating.
4. Drink water all day, no diet coke!
5. Start tracking immediately.
6. Read this list every time I want to eat mindlessly.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will try again.

Day 114

Today was a really relaxing and beautiful day for me. We went to the park for most of the morning and I did a lot of chasing Adjei. It feels so good not to get winded when I’m running after my little guy. He kept saying, “run mommy, run!” It was great because I didn’t get tired at all. When we got home I put Adjei down for a nap and since I had my workout clothes on I told Ellison I was going for a run. I jogged and walked for 45 minutes. Yay me! However, on a food note I did terrible. I tracked everything and I ate a lot. Ellison brought home this amazing kettle corn from one of the street fairs and it was 5 points for 1 cup. I had 4 cups today. I finally had to throw it all away.

Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to do my best to eat only my 29 points. When I first started weight watchers I was having a hard time getting to the 29 points. Now I go over everyday. I will also go to body conditioning.

Day 113

I gained a pound this week. I have to say that I was shocked. I really thought I had a loss. In fact, my scale at home told me I lost 2 pounds, so I was not prepared for that. I thought all the exercise I did was going to save me from my poor eating. I literally gasped. I know it sounds dramatic but I was really disappointed. It got me thinking though. I started to reflect on the week and why I was over eating. The two main reasons why I overate were because of feeling entitled and also wanting to rebel. This happens a lot and these are the main reasons why I’ve gained all the weight I lost several years ago. I think, “oh I’m looking really good, that brownie won’t hurt, plus I deserve it!” The next thought is “I’ve exercised five times this week and I didn’t even track all the walking I did.” This feeling of entitlement is the main reason why I’m overweight.

The other reason was rebelling against the idea of “dieting.” I tell people all the time, “I’m not on a diet, I’m changing my lifestyle but I can eat whatever I want.” BIG FAT LIE!!! I can’t eat whatever I want because there are foods that have more power over me than I want to admit! I have to accept that and embrace it.

I just want food not to be such an issue with me. I want to think skinny but my way of thinking skinny is to have the choice to eat whatever I want. I’m crazy! I know I sound like I’m being too hard on myself but I’m not. I am determined to get better. I have to accept that I will work at this for the rest of my life. I can blame it on several things or I can take responsibility and look at it in a positive way and grow.

Tomorrow is Easter so I won’t go to they gym but I will go for a jog or a walk in the morning. I will also be mindful and track what I eat. FYI-- I love Michael Jackson. "Rock with you" is playing so I just took an intermission to do a boogie before posting this. :)

Day 112

It is so interesting how I immediately stop tracking when stressful or sad situations come up. I start eating to forget what is bothering me but I won’t track it because then it takes the fun out of it. It starts with a justification too. Last night I was pretty exhausted from the day and I was worried about a dear friend. As soon as Ellison walked thru the door I went to a bakery and got a huge brownie with cream cheese frosting. It wouldn’t have been bad but I literally stopped tracking when I ate that brownie. I thought “well I don’t really need to track because I’ve worked out so much.” So far today I haven’t tracked and I’ve had tator tots, hummus, pita chips, and egg whites. I had to add egg whites because they’re healthy right? The point is I am not addressing what’s bothering me. I’m eating mindlessly, justifying it because I’m exercising, but not taking accountability for it. Today is Good Friday. I wish I could just turn all this petty stuff off sometimes.

PS I totally forgot to post this last night. I was so tired. I would have said tomorrow I am going to go my weight watchers and Zumba.

Day 111

So I’ve worked out five times this week. I didn’t even realize it until my running partner asked me how much I’d worked out. I love having a running partner. We are going to work towards running to and over the Williamsburg Bridge. It’s a total of 8 miles roundtrip. This week we ran two miles both days. Next week I’m going to try 2 ½ miles. I indulged in a big fat brownie with cream cheese frosting. I was really tired today and I was craving something junky all day. I finally decided to go for a walk, call my mom, and go to the local bakery. It was really good too. I’ve earned 40 activity points so I don’t feel bad about it.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and it’s going to be a beautiful day. I am going to focus on the day and everything that I am grateful for.

Day 110

Everything is consistent right now so I almost don’t have much to talk about. I went to body conditioning tonight and it was extremely painful. I get really pissed off when a workout is too painful. I’ve actually been told not to look so miserable. Don’t you hate it when people tell you to smile? Or shit like, “it’s not so bad.” So annoying. Sometimes I want to say “I like to give my face a break so I don’t get wrinkles, so fuck off!” I had a really great day so I need to stop with the negative talk. I tracked better than I did yesterday. I just found out that someone in my weight watchers meeting misinformed me about how many points a NY pizza slice is. It is not 6 points. It’s actually 12. I weighed it.

Tomorrow I will go running in the morning and I will continue to track truthfully.

Day 109

Today I got up and I went running! I just said the running part like Oprah. I went with my neighbor and it was really great. We ran for two miles without stopping. I now have a running partner for Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Woo Hoo! Having a workout buddy really does make it way more fun than doing it alone. I’ve been tracking but at the end of the night, so I’m afraid I’m missing a few bites. Oh well, I’m not going to try to be perfect at this because then I’ll just get frustrated and say F it.

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and I will track better than I did today.

Day 108

Tonight was really tough. I did not want to go to the gym at all. I really just wanted to hang out and have dinner with Ellison. I even told Ellison to tell me to stay home and he said "nope." He can be so awesome sometimes. I just kept telling myself that I am a better wife and mother when I take care of myself and taking care of myself is working out. Body conditioning was so difficult. I seriously wanted to give up. I kept thinking the whole time that I absolutely hate working out this hard and I wished it were easier. However, the endorphins after always makes it worth it.

Tomorrow I am going running in the morning and I invited my very athletic neighbor to join me. She just confirmed, so I am locked in. I ‘m so glad I did that because I may have bailed on myself. I haven’t tracked today because I was so busy but I didn’t eat crazy. I will pick up tracking again tomorrow.

Day 107

Today was such a great day. The weather was so gorgeous that I skipped kickboxing. I was actually proud of myself for changing my routine because sometimes I can be really anal about it. I spent almost the entire day with my family and it was so awesome. We went shopping and I was trying on a size large and everything was fitting. My arms are looking better and better. I just feel really good. I was also able to fit in some business time and had a meeting with my partner. After our meeting we went into this cute little vintage clothing shop. There were so many adorable dresses and it gave me more motivation to keep trucking away. I love clothes.

Tomorrow if I don’t go to the gym during the day with Adjei, I will go to body conditioning. I will also track what I eat.

Day 106

I lost 1.4 pounds this week. Woo Hoo! I just love the weekends because I get to take my time at the gym and go to my weight watchers meeting. I feel like I’ve become a much better wife and mother since I’ve started to take care of myself. I remind myself that when Adjei is screaming for me not to leave. I know that the better I feel about myself, the better I am to my family.

Tomorrow I will go to kickboxing and track what I eat. I also need to finish up tax stuff. Blah!

Day 105

I did it! I went for my morning jog. I put my workout clothes on this morning and I was really tired but I told myself I would just go for a walk. Well, I got outside and did some stretches and then the motivation came. I started to jog at a pretty good pace. I jogged to my favorite park, which is a half-mile away, and then I jogged three laps around the track without stopping once. Then I walked around the track twice more. After I was done with the track I jogged to my favorite coffee shop. ☺ I treated myself to the most incredible coffee and a banana. When I was walking home from the coffee shop I felt incredible. I felt so happy and alive.

I had a revelation on my way home. It came to me that the true muscle I am building has nothing to do with my body but my mind and spirit. It’s the power to say to myself that I won’t give up. I am building my PERSISTANCE muscle. We sometimes give up too easily on ourselves or we label ourselves as something less than what we are. My persistence muscle is going to get stronger and stronger until it’s so strong that I act on everything I dream of doing. Watch out!

Tomorrow I will go to my Weight Watchers meeting and Zumba. I will track what I eat and I will not eat all my weekly points this weekend.

Day 104

I didn’t go running or walking this morning. I’m just not a morning jogger. I’m too tired when I wake up. I will try again tomorrow. So my eating was good up until this evening. I had a great food day until Ellison got home. Ellison goes to school at night, so by the time he gets home, I’ve already had dinner. However, that doesn’t stop me from eating a second dinner with him. I just need to get my shit together. This weekend I am not going to eat all my weekly points because it sets the stage for the entire week. I need to push hard so I build my momentum again. I am only 6 pounds from the 170’s. That’s crazy! Go Theresa GO!

Tomorrow I will try once again to go for that morning jog. I will also track what I eat.

Day 103

I went back to the start line today. I went back to the bare basics of measuring and weighing everything. I’ve had a lot of success but because of this, I’ve started to slack off. This is what happens to me if I start to do really well at something, I stop trying as hard. It’s like I’m driven by adversity. I need to live by the healthy habits I’ve established forever. I recognize that I justify my over eating by saying that I’m exercising and I that I do eat healthy. The problem is, I eat a lot. I mean, seriously, I eat and eat and eat. I love food. My fix to over eating has been to have a huge salad with my meal because it satisfies my need for volume. I also tidbit. I love to snack while I cook or when I’m bored. The way I’ve been dealing with this habit is I only snack on fruit. So today I tracked truthfully and I feel really great about it. Tracking brings clarity to how I’m doing and it also keeps me honest.

Tomorrow I must go for a walk/run in the morning. I am going on this run!! I’ve been saying this for weeks and I haven’t done it. I will also track and measure the best, the very best, I can.

Day 102

There’s really not much to report tonight. I had a pretty active day and I am really tired. I tracked up until dinner and then I stopped because I started to eat mindlessly. There are certain foods I should not have in my house and par baked rolls are one of them. Bread is such a weakness for me. I really need to get my diet under control again. I’m exercising like a beast but it doesn’t mean shit if I’m eating like a pig. I really want to start exercising outside. Yoga outside sounds awesome.

Tomorrow I have to go to the gym during the day because E is working late. I hate missing my body conditioning class. I haven’t tried the daycare yet at the gym so tomorrow I have to do it. I am also going to review my tracker and look at what I was eating on my most successful weeks. I need to start planning my meals again.

Day 101

Today was a great day except that I am really sun burned. It was the first sunny day in NYC and Adjei and I were outside all day. I normally protect my face with SPF 45 but today I didn’t. Now I’m pissed because I’m probably going to see some premature wrinkles. I also start to get paranoid about skin cancer. I am a bit of a hypochondriac. So on to a more positive note. I worked out really unbearably hard today in body conditioning. Dear Lord that class is so hard. I can barely walk right now. I haven’t tracked one meal all week and that’s not good. I’m kind of rebelling this week. I’m still eating healthy but I’m not writing any of it down. This is dangerous and I promise to track tomorrow.

Tomorrow is Library day. I also need to do a ton of work on my business. No gym but I will certainly do a lot of walking with Adjei.

Day 100

100 days! Wow, time goes by so fast. We are already 100 days into 2011. When I started this journey I had not exercised in several years. I remember saying that I did not understand or believe it when people said they loved to exercise. That concept seemed so far from my reality. Now, I can say that I don’t see exercise as a chore. I actually look for more opportunities during the week to workout. Exercise has become my therapy. I've never felt better and I’m starting to believe in myself more and more. I was talking with my hubby tonight and I was telling him that my problem has aways been that when things get hard, I usually quit. Or if I get bored, I quit. Once the excitement of the initial inspiration wears out, I slowly start to slack. I am so damn proud that I’ve pushed through the pain and boredom of trying to lose weight.

So about today. I busted my butt at kickboxing and I even stayed an extra 30 minutes after class to work on my arms. I haven’t tracked this weekend but I have been mindful and I've only snacked on fruit. I had a date with Ellison tonight and it was so great. We walked for about an hour after dinner and it was really special. Tomorrow I will track what I eat and I will go to body conditioning.

Day 99

Today has been amazing. First, I went to weight watchers and I LOST 1.4 pounds. This is a birthday present from my body because I did not earn this loss. I went into the negative at the beginning of the week and I stopped tracking by Thursday. So I am very grateful and I am determined to work really hard this week. I went to Zumba this morning with cramps and all and I worked really hard. I also walked about 5 miles today around the city looking for the perfect pair of shades. I fell in love with a pair last week but there was only the floor model and I found an itty-bitty scratch. I ended up getting a different pair that my husband calls my stunna shades. Last but not least, I bonded with the most amazing sales guy at Saks and he gave me a killer deal on a Marc Jacobs bag. He was hiding it for himself but he said he already bought two and I could have this one. I paid a 1/3 of the cost!

Tomorrow I will go to kickboxing and I will stay at the gym a little longer to earn some extra activity points. I have a date night with my hubby and I really want to enjoy it.

Day 98

You guys, seriously, I’ve eaten enough junk food for the next six months. I thought I was going to have two cake nights but one is going to be enough. Today is my birthday and I’m feeling really great. I get these awesome messages on facebook and phone calls from friends and family and it’s like this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I feel so blessed. I feel honored to have so many smart and amazing friends that want to fight for equality and injustices. When you take a look at the people you attract and you admire these people, it feels like you’re pretty damn great too.

So let me just say this…MEOW! I’m one awesome chick and I’m ready to get going again on my goals. It’s been a tough adjustment but change is difficult and I will continue to push through. Cake will not be extended to the rest of the weekend. It’s grind time. Love you all and as much as I toot my own horn, I expect you to toot yours. Toot Toot!! I celebrate with all of you today!

Tomorrow I will go to weight watchers and I will celebrate even if it’s a gain. I will also shake my tail feather at Zumba.

Day 97

Well, the Queen B is here and she was victorious. She made me eat chocolate bunnies, baguettes with butter, pizza, and french fries. Truth be told, I thoroughly enjoyed all of it. Why is it that once a woman gets her monthly, she feels normal again? It’s like you know why you are out of control mentally but in the moment you forget that the cause is really very hormonal. Next time I am going to be ready for Miss Bitchface. I am going to set ground rules and no mater how nasty she gets, I’m putting her in check. She is so demanding. Today there are a couple of celebrations.

1. I planned to order a pizza tonight but instead I went to the grocery store and bought a few groceries.
2. Tomorrow is the start of a new week for points and my Birthday!

The week of eating like a monster is over. This next week coming up is going to be filled with planning, reframing, tracking and exercise. These are the tools that have made me 25 pounds thinner.

Day 96

So this week is the first week that tracking is not working for me. After going into the negative once again, I decided to throw in the towel at dinner. I chose not to measure anything while cooking and I also chose not to go to body conditioning. I was on my way to the gym but halfway there I realized I didn’t have my wallet or my metro card. So I had to go back home. At that point, I said F it and had a big delicious meal with my hubby. I didn’t track it. I am going to start over again tomorrow though. The week isn’t over and I can still end the week with exercise and healthy eating. I did have an amazing day with Adjei and dinner with my husband felt like old times.

Tomorrow I’m going to the gym with Adjei. I really hope he doesn’t cry and hold onto my leg. I will also bounce back and stay within my points. My action plan is to stay away from tortillas, rice, and pizza. These have all been a big part of my diet this week. Not good.

Day 95

So I just need Miss Bitchface to come already. She isn’t due until tomorrow but this little asshole is pushing me into debt with my points. I’m back in the negative. I did something really stupid. I bought a bag of chips ahoy cookies. I bought them because Adjei asked for cookies and I thought, okay, I would get a bag and have them when he asks for them. Adjei hardly ever asks for cookies but now that he knows I have a big bag, he cries for them. Guess who also has to have cookies when he does? I should know better. Well, lesson learned. No more junk in the house. If Adjei requests cookies or cupcakes, I will make it something special by going to the local bakery. We have two excellent bakeries within walking distance.

Tomorrow I will track what I eat and go to body conditioning.

Day 94

Today was a really good day. I tracked and I didn't go over my points. I got so much accomplished today; I cleaned, cooked, did management company stuff, and played with Adjei. I also found a gym that has babysitting and it’s only 2 bucks every half an hour. I’m going to try it out on Thursday with a Zumba class. Tomorrow is library day for Adjei and me. Adjei loves going to the library and so do I. After a fun morning of reading, we go to our favorite local pizza place and share a slice. It’s a special day for us. I have to say that I think I’ve nailed down Tuesdays.

I’ve decided that I need to chill out a bit. I can be ambitious but if I let it consume me, then it’s not for the right reasons. Our sole purpose in life is to give. This is what I believe in my soul. If I start to think negatively or get worried about the “what ifs” I will take a deep breath and say, “I am grateful.”

Day 93

Oh wow I’m so tired. So I have a major success to talk about. I tracked a 70-point day. Yeah, that’s right, I ate 70 damn points yesterday. The positive is, since I was in the negative I knew I needed to workout hard today and I knew I needed to stay within my point range. Well, I did that. I pushed myself harder than I ever have at kickboxing. So much I could tell that this girl next to me was competing with me. I am so proud of this rebound because this is skinny person behavior. When thin people paint the town red with wine, appetizers, dinner, and dessert they don’t say that’s it for the whole week. They don’t forget their regular way of eating healthy. They go right back to their routine of exercise and sensible eating. That’s what I did today and I am damn proud. I didn’t cry about it, I fixed it. Now I am back in the positive with points.

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and track what I eat. It’s a new quarter and in the next three months I need to start working harder towards my career ambitions. I also need to take that dance class.

Day 92

I lost 2.4 pounds this week! Woo Hoo! Total weight loss for the quarter...24 pounds! Today was a fantastic day. I got up early and went to a weight watchers meeting. Then I went to the gym and obnoxiously worked out at Zumba. I even did jumping jacks in between sets to keep my heart rate up. I was so grateful to be there that I was kind of a beast. I got the eyebrows waxed. Finally, I just came back from dinner with friends. Today was just a perfect day.

I am pooped and I'm getting ready to watch Black Swan. Tomorrow I will go to kickboxing and track what I eat.

Day 91

I just ate like a pig tonight and I am so annoyed with myself. 53 Points. I didn’t even want to blog tonight because I just feel like a failure about everything. I feel like a bigger failure for even blogging about it. I’m sad. I get embarrassed about when I express junk like this because I wonder if it’s too much. I guess I just hope I bounce back. I know I will bounce back. I hate that I get so overwhelmed by change. I hate that new ventures fill me with anxiety. I feel incredibly ungrateful and I hope I’m not cursed with never being content with my choices. I can, I will, I am.

Tomorrow is going to be a better day because I’m going to a weight watchers meeting, Zumba class, and then to the salon to get my Frida’s waxed.

Grateful for:
A new day
Music
My son
My brother in law coming to NYC from VA to baby-sit so Ellison can take me out for my birthday.
Broadway