Life is just so amazing. I had a really beautiful 2012. Nothing obviously spectacular happened. I didn’t get the job of my dreams. I didn’t slim down to the perfect figure I see in magazines. I didn’t pay off my debt. My family didn’t get a lot of money. Life didn’t really change that much. However, my perception was just so much greater than it has ever been. I feel for the first time since I was kid I’m starting to accept myself more and more. After my run today was thinking about my weight loss and I had a realization that my body has lost 65 pounds but my mind has lost another 50 pounds on top of that. The weight of thinking I wasn’t good enough or successful enough or ever doing enough was HEAVY. I mean, really effin heavy. It’s only by the grace of God that today I feel enough. I feel like I am who I say I am. This feeling is attainable by anyone. So how do I believe I’ve gotten here?
First, it’s been a lot of patience with myself. My mom used to tell me to fake it until I made it. Now, the word fake is probably not my favorite word but I get it. I first needed to quit saying mean things to myself. I needed to quit being so judgmental when I made a mistake. I had to become a kind, gentle observer to myself instead of the back whipping judge. So I’ve become extremely aware of negative self talk. I may really feel it and want to say mean things to myself but I stop. It was hard at first but it takes practice everyday and it gets easier.
Second, I’ve given over to my fear of asking for help. This was extremely difficult for me because what I’ve taken pride over the past 20 years is my independent spirit. However, sometimes being independent is also a form of pride. I have a lot of pride. I relished in the thought that I could take care of everything that came my way on my own. The truth is I need people. I need strangers. I need my family. I need my friends. This is also where Weight Watchers came in. I know I need a food program for the rest of my life to keep this weight loss.
Finally, I put my relationship with God first. This is truly the first and last. I start my day with prayer. As soon as I open my eyes in the morning my first thoughts are prayers. Prayers of gratitude, prayers of my needs. Conversation with God. He is my best friend these days. My mom told me that if I wanted to be the happiest person in the world then I should make Jesus my best friend. He’s a pretty great guy, so I believe I’m doing it.
On New Year’s Eve it felt weird not to have this huge goal in mind or not to have this great plan for the year. But then I felt like, wow, for the first time I feel pretty content. What a great feeling. I felt like I just wanted to continue what I was doing. I also feel like I’ll get to wherever I’m supposed to be. I am no longer defined by what I have not done or what I’m going to do. Like the great wise Popeye said, “I yam, what I yam.”
