100 Miles of Joy

One step seriously feels like a 100 miles sometimes.  Today I was so so very resistant to go for a run.  It was like my body was screaming GO HOME!!  I stretched for about 15 minutes and not yoga stretching more like the person at the track who is watching everyone and barely stretching.  I told myself just run for 10 damn minutes Theresa.  I finally negotiated with myself to run a few laps.  I don’t know what happened but I was able to run two miles.  What’s with that noise in our head?!  I mean really. It’s overbearing sometimes.  Sometimes I just want to say, “Shut the F up!”  But I have to treat that part of me called blah blah with kindness and patience because blah blah will strike back with good ol resistance, “I”M not doing IT!”

Fast Forward 1 week later......

This was the blog I was working on last week and boy how a few days of running really changes things.  I’m feeling really good.  I did a race this past weekend and it was the perfect first race of the year because it was for a wonderful cause and it was under three miles.  Today I went on a two mile run and it wasn’t easy but I pushed through it.  A dear friend of mine reminded me that he noticed I’m happiest when I’m writing and running. It was great to be told this because sometimes I forget what’s personal to me and brings me joy.  So I’m grateful to this friend.  

Hunger Fit

So for the past few days I’ve been pretty damn mindful of my eating and saying no to myself a lot.  Right now I’m eating a 6oz container of Fage 0% yogurt and a bowl of grapes, and blueberries.  Sometimes the need for a slice of apple pie from Blue Stove is like needing water after a workout.  Yesterday I was saying no to myself left and right and I had a long day of running around the city.  Luckily, I threw a washed apple in my bag because by 4:00 p.m. I was famished.   Just a piece of advice, always carry snacks with you like a washed apple, or raw nuts.  When I get into a hunger fit and I have an apple in my bag, it’s always super satisfying and it keeps me from buying roasted nuts on the street or mini cupcakes from Baked by Melissa (No’s from yesterday).   Even a sandwich with almond butter or natural peanut butter is good to carry around because it doesn’t go bad.  I carry snacks for my son all the time so what’s good for him is good for me too.

Today I want to get a 25 minute run in.  If you’re trying to start an exercise routine START SMALL!  Sorry I didn’t mean to yell but i’m really reminding myself.  I always want to be where I was or what I see around me but it can be overwhelming.  For running, I would suggest making time goals instead of distance goals.  I started the week with a 10 minute run and ended the week with a 20 minute run.   A little goes a long way.  

Running for Peace

You know what I love about running? I love that you can have a million thoughts and a million worries but after a run you feel clear headed.  I don’t know anyone who has ever been able to hold onto thoughts after a run.  I also feel like it clears everything out so God can speak to me. 

After my run today I felt really emotional about the Boston Marathon bombing. When I ran my first half marathon I remember seeing the finish line and feeling so happy.  I sprinted across that finish line because I wanted to finish strong and fly to my goal.  I felt supported.  I felt loved.  I felt God.  I think this is a time where I can contribute with my prayers, kind words, or a positive action.  I want to run 26.1 miles before May 5th for all those affected by this tragedy.  

Never Giving Up!

Well where oh where has this baby been?  I have to be honest with you friends, I have been in isolation. Lately I haven’t been exercising and my eating has been the worst it’s been in a very long time.   Some of my old habits like fried food, cake and ice cream, diet coke, CHIPS,  were only sometimes food.  However, lately I’ve snuck some of this stuff into my daily diet.  The result of not exercising  and starting tomorrow with my healthy eating has added up to 10 pounds of weight gain.  Yes, I know this for a fact because the great part of all of this is, I haven’t given up and I still go to my weekly WW meetings.  So the scale tells me so.  The scale is just a measuring tool but the real effect is feel I tired, moody, short tempered and overwhelmed.  

The positive to all of this is I haven’t gone to the part of my self esteem that can really beat myself up about this.  Don’t get me wrong, the voices are there but I’m choosing to have more compassion for myself.  I imagine a woman who really wants to do well but the resistance is so overbearing that she just can’t push through the wall.  Do I tell this woman, “what’s wrong with you, just stop eating or go for a short run!”  No, I wouldn’t say this to a stranger.  Do I tell this woman, “Wow you’re hopeless you might as well stop trying.”  No, I sure as hell wouldn’t say that either.  I would say, “Theresa, this stuff is hard, you’re fucking awesome and maybe it didn’t happen today but you can give it another shot tomorrow.”  Yes, Ma'am!

So the stinkin thinkin part is the hardest but in an imperfect way I’ve been kind to myself through this struggle.  I’ve had the courage to sign up for races this Spring and I started last Thursday with short 10 minute runs.  Today I ramped it up to 17 minutes.  I’m going to try again with my eating and do my best to track.  I will keep it small and gentle.

Boo Snow

Oh mother winter please let this be the last big snow.  I don't have much to say today.  My eating was good.  I didn't make it to the gym because of this snow storm but I did get some exercise in.  I decided to shovel the front of my building and my neighbors building.  I know I sound crazy but I really wanted some exercise and my apartment is small.  Plus I've always wanted to shovel snow.  It wasn't that much snow but my arms are sore!  I broke a sweat and everything.

Tomorrow I hope I can go to the gym and I hope my favorite class isn't canceled.  

Who? Dairy, me? No...

Hi friends!  I had a great jump start yesterday.  I went to total body conditioning last night and I also stayed for the abs and rebounding classes.  I didn’t go full out for any of the classes because I physically can’t right now but I felt really good.  My abs and tush are sore!  I love feeling sore and knowing it’s because I put some work in.  I didn’t eat my greens yesterday but I’m doing better today.

I went out to breakfast with my hubby this morning and I thought I ordered semi healthy but I decided to ask my waitress how the meal was prepared.  I don’t usually make special requests with how my food is prepared because I feel like I’m hassling the waitress and insulting the chef. But out of curiosity and because the meal tasted so good and my waitress was bright and friendly, I decided to get this information.  I had ordered from the side menu, two scrambled eggs and an order of kale, healthy right?  She tells me that the eggs were made with heavy cream and butter and the kale was also prepared with butter.  Ouch.  I already devoured the meal with the exception of a bite of egg so there was no turning back.  She must have noticed the pain in my face because she told me that if I was looking for a non-dairy option I could get poached eggs and request no butter.  How sweet that she thought it was a dairy problem. My husband laughed and said he was surprised I didn’t talk about weight watcher points with her.  I was in a cool restaurant with a hipster waitress, I preferred for her to assume I was anti dairy.  I think next time, in a super kind way, I will ask how the meal is prepared before I order.  

I haven’t decided how I will workout tomorrow but I will either take a class or run for 15 minutes.  I hope this snow doesn’t close down the transit system.  I will track what I eat and not go over my daily weight watcher points.

Goals for today

Meditate 

Eat more greens

Go to bed early

I Surrender O Uncertainty

Hi Friends.  It feels really great to be writing.  I’ve been resistant to blogging because life is not inspirational to me lately and it’s much more fun to write when I feel great.  I’ve been having a difficult time taking care of myself and I know the reason, so that’s what I’m going to write about.  Talking about my truth can be a little embarrassing at times but it’s also liberating and I feel encouraged and free when I do so. 

So lately I haven’t been able to make healthy eating choices or exercise because life feels uncomfortable and God isn’t doing what I want him to do.  I laughed as I wrote that.  My husband is in between work and the truth is, it’s effin scary when that happens.  I want this picture of security and when the picture doesn’t look secure one month from now in my mind, I want to obsess about it and that weight gets really heavy.  Thus making it difficult to do things like go for a run, go to the gym, or make a healthy meal.  I told my friend recently that I wish I could sleep through uncertainty and then wake up and everything look like I want it to.  Well La-di-da, life doesn’t work like that and thank God for that!  

I started meditating recently using the “Centering Prayer.”  I’ll be honest I’ve only tried it once and it wasn’t easy but I sat with it and it was incredible.  My talks with God have been pretty amazing and enlightening.  I had this awareness that I’ve been praying a lot that God send Ellison a new job.  Now there’s nothing wrong about praying for my husband to get a job but I realized that I was motivated because I wanted to secure my feelings of security.  That’s human.  However, I’m putting my peace of mind in the hands of people, places and things when God is the only real security.  He is the only one who knows my will and Ellison’s will.  

So what now.  Well I’m not in control of my husbands employment but I can choose to take care of myself.  I can choose to trust what is because our Father in heaven is so wonderful.  He is my best friend and I know he’s looking out for me and my hubby.  I can also choose to go to body conditioning tonight.  I don’t have to do my best because showing up is enough.  I can choose to to say no to snacks that make me feel tired or heavy.  I can write down what I eat.  I can eat more greens today.   

Goals for today:

Blog-check!

Track what I eat

Go to body conditioning

Meditate

This song makes me feel so good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FUXeg-elgM

I yam what I yam

Life is just so amazing.  I had a really beautiful 2012.  Nothing obviously spectacular happened.  I didn’t get the job of my dreams.  I didn’t slim down to the perfect figure I see in magazines.  I didn’t pay off my debt.  My family didn’t get a lot of money.  Life didn’t really change that much.  However, my perception was just so much greater than it has ever been.  I feel for the first time since I was kid I’m starting to accept myself more and more.  After my run today was thinking about my weight loss and I had a realization that my body has lost 65 pounds but my mind has lost another 50 pounds on top of that.  The weight of thinking I wasn’t good enough or successful enough or ever doing enough was HEAVY.  I mean, really effin heavy.   It’s only by the grace of God that today I feel enough.  I feel like I am who I say I am. This feeling is attainable by anyone. So how do I believe I’ve gotten here?

First, it’s been a lot of patience with myself.  My mom used to tell me to fake it until I made it.  Now, the word fake is probably not my favorite word but I get it.  I first needed to quit saying mean things to myself.  I needed to quit being so judgmental when I made a mistake.  I had to become a kind, gentle observer to myself instead of the back whipping judge.  So I’ve become extremely aware of negative self talk.  I may really feel it and want to say mean things to myself but I stop.  It was hard at first but it takes practice everyday and it gets easier.

Second, I’ve given over to my fear of asking for help.  This was extremely difficult for me because what I’ve taken pride over the past 20 years is my independent spirit.  However, sometimes being independent is also a form of pride. I have a lot of pride.  I relished in the thought that I could take care of everything that came my way on my own.  The truth is I need people.  I need strangers.  I need my family.  I need my friends.  This is also where Weight Watchers came in.  I know I need a food program for the rest of my life to keep this weight loss.  

Finally, I put my relationship with God first.  This is truly the first and last.  I start my day with prayer.  As soon as I open my eyes in the morning my first thoughts are prayers.  Prayers of gratitude, prayers of my needs. Conversation with God.  He is my best friend these days.  My mom told me that if I wanted to be the happiest person in the world then I should make Jesus my best friend.  He’s a pretty great guy, so I believe I’m doing it.  

On New Year’s Eve it felt weird not to have this huge goal in mind or not to have this great plan for the year.  But then I felt like, wow, for the first time I feel pretty content.  What a great feeling.  I felt like I just wanted to continue what I was doing.  I also feel like I’ll get to wherever I’m supposed to be.  I am no longer defined by what I have not done or what I’m going to do.  Like the great wise Popeye said, “I yam, what I yam.”