Run and Pray

I’m writing today because I feel like I’m slowly coming out of a fitness funk.  I was in a really bad space about my body and thought that I was really overweight again.  I had this moment where I believed I was fat. I haven’t had those thoughts in a long time.  I weighed in after Thanksgiving and I gained 3.6 pounds.  Since joining weight watchers 3 years ago, I haven’t gained that much weight.  However, I will say that when I was in Weight Watchers before the three years, I would just stop going when I got into this head space.  It’s been so hard for me to track and exercise.  Tracking is incredibly important to my self care.  I have to measure, weigh, and track because I can really fool myself into thinking I eat healthy and well proportioned.  

One reason I think I’m having a hard time is because I really want to enjoy this holiday season.  I miss my family and the way I reminisce is by making things my dad made for us.  My dad was the baker of the family.  I just want to enjoy the goodies of this holiday season and I don’t want to feel guilty about it.  Sure, some of you are thinking, “Well don’t feel guilty, just enjoy yourself, it’s Christmas.”  I wish it were that easy for me but it isn’t.  Eating a lot of sugar or eating abundantly isn’t good for me.  So I feel a loss.  I feel a bit left out.  

So on to my reflection and why today feels like I’m pushing through this funk.  Today I was able to go on my run and this run was incredible.  I read in my Self Magazine some advice given by an Iron Woman about her workouts.  She said she dedicates every mile to someone and then she calls them or emails to thank them for helping her get through the mile.  Well, this morning I took it a step further and I decided to pray for people during my run.  The first mile I prayed for one specific friend and I ran and envisioned total peace, joy and love.  I then would just say (in my mind) words that I wanted for this person like peace, love, abundance, happiness, gentleness and so on.  Well, the next mile came and I prayed for two more people who I decided to dedicate that mile to.  Finally by the third mile I was in a trance of prayer each lap for different people.  It was incredible.  

I’m so so glad I ran today and so far my eating is better.  I have so much gratitude for life and I know the root comes from the beautiful prayer time I had this morning.  Thank you Lord.  Tomorrow I will start tracking again and do some fitness.  If I find myself struggling I will dedicate a prayer to whoever comes to mind.  Thank you Lord for kissing my face with the sun today.  I felt your peace.

Slumpin but still Truckin

Well it’s been a long long time since I’ve written and I’ve missed you guys.  I guess the first thing I would like to update everyone on is my first half marathon that took place in October. It was amazing.  I felt so great and I was extremely proud of myself.  I started off really slow because I was afraid I would run out of steam.  At mile 10 I felt great, and was totally shocked at myself. I didn’t start to feel pain until mile 12 and I think it’s because I knew it was almost over.  For several hours after my race I was extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t research about how to recover post race and I took a hot bath.  Well, come to find out you’re supposed to take a cold bath.  The good news is the next day I had absolutely no pain at all.

Now fast forward to a month after my half marathon and I am running very little.  I’ve been in a slump. I’ve been walking a lot to compensate for not running but I miss those endorphins.  Today I’m going on a short run because it’s a gorgeous day and I just have to get out there.

The other slump I’ve been in is my eating.  Oy ve.  I’ve been in Weight Watchers for three years so patterns are really obvious to me, so I’m not freaking out.  Around this time of the year I start to feel a little lonely and reminiscent of the holidays that were spent with my family as a kid.  So how do I comfort myself? With bread, cookies, brownies, frito pies, cheese, and oh dear I need to stop because now I’m getting hungry.  It’s okay but I need to work on my no muscle.  Saying “No” to yourself is a muscle. I appreciate people giving me permission to say “Yes” to myself but the truth is, when it comes to my trigger foods which usually contains a lot of sugar, I have to say no more than yes. I really want to be present with my family and when I’m not taking care of myself, I’m tired and moody and just not happy with myself.  It has nothing to do with the scale because my body is the same.  I also notice that when I’m eating healthy and taking care of myself, my hubby and son follow suit.   

So Today here is a list of my No’s and Yes’s:

No to snacking except for fruit or veggies.
No to chocolate chips.
No to diet coke.

Yes to running 2 miles.
Yes to drinking more water.
Yes to tracking what I eat.
Yes to experimenting with a new grain.
Yes to accepting my feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are.

Thank you God for giving me choices.  Thank you God for friends.  Thank you God for family.  Thank you God for my body. Thank you God for music. Thank you God for always being there.

Eh, at least I tracked

Today was better than yesterday.  I resisted snacking on cheese and that's a plus.  I also went on my run this morning and did 2.75 miles.  It was such a relaxing run.  I really enjoyed it and I'm grateful that running almost three miles feels good and light.  What a blessing.

Food Diary

Morning
1  oz lean ham	1
1   English muffin	3
1/2 oz Havarti cheese	1
2  egg whites	1
1  large banana	0
Subtotal	6
Midday
1  large banana	0
Carrot cupcake	5
1 slice Bread Arnold Stone Ground	2
1  Tbsp creamy peanut butter	3
1/2 oz Pirate's Booty Rice and Corn Puffs	2
1  cup Imagine Soup	2
1  tbsp Favorit Swiss Preserves	1
Subtotal	15
Evening
1  serving(s) Tortilla Large (Mission)	6
1  oz shredded Cheddar cheese	3
4  oz Perdue Roaster chicken	6
1  Banana Nut Muffin (my recipe)	7
Subtotal	22

Pushing through

Hey guys.  I haven’t written in awhile and it’s because I’ve been off and doing a little bit of hiding.  The last couple of weeks have been really challenging for me because there have been a lot going on and I’m just a little tired.  Also, there is a bit of a health scare in my family and when that happens, I get paralyzed until I know everything is fine.  So I’m going to blog so I don’t eat my face off with Nutella.  I need to push through with my goals.  It’s hard for me to take care of myself when I get anxious about the future.  I’m really leaning on my faith right now and trusting that God is taking care of everything.  

On a positive note, I reached 8 miles on Sunday even though I sulked for about two hours before I left for my run.  A friend of mine, who is training for the NYC marathon, called me that morning to check on me and my training.  It was so much God driven because she and I hardly talk on the phone and she said I was on her mind.  God really shows up for even the smallest things.  So I went on the run and it was hard.  My feet started to hurt and the last mile my legs felt really heavy.  I think it’s also because my eating has been crappy.  

Today is usually my first run of the week but since I ran 13 miles over the weekend I felt like I needed a couple of days off.  Tomorrow I will go on a run and I will track what I eat.  I will also blog so I can focus on my journey and not obsess about things that are beyond my control.  

No food diary today because I didn’t track and I ate so much that I have food amnesia.

Persistance

It’s been a really great day.  I feel so incredibly blessed and grateful.  Lately one of my prayers has been to stay motivated with my running.  Sounds like a silly prayer but it’s important to me right now and I know that with everything I do, I have to bring God in.  So anyway, this week Ellison is out of town and I wasn’t sure how I was going to run because I can’t afford a babysitter. So I was just going to bag the entire week.  Well on Monday a friend, who doesn't live in my neighborhood, text me to go running and she even drove to my apartment. We did the bridge run as the sun was setting and it was absolutely beautiful.  Then another friend offered to watch Adjei on Friday so I can go for a run. Then ANOTHER friend offered to watch Adjei on Sunday so I can do my long run.  It’s amazing.  You know, not having family in NY is hard sometimes because it’s hard for me to ask for help.  So for friends to offer without me asking, it’s just a blessing.  I feel very taken care of by God lately and I heard a word THREE times today.  Whenever I hear something three times I know that I am being given a direct message. The word was persistence. Thank you Lord!

Food Diary

Morning
2  oz deli ham	2
1/2 large banana	0
2  egg whites	1
1/2 oz Swiss cheese	1
1  English muffin	3
1  ff slice Kraft Cheese	1
Subtotal	8
Midday
2 slices stone ground bread	3
1  small apple	0
1  peach	0
1 1/2 Tbsp creamy peanut butter	4
Subtotal	7
Evening
2  Tbsp sour cream	1
1  oz shredded Cheddar cheese	3
1  Pint of Ben and Jerry Greek strawberry shortcake yogurt	19
1  oz Baked Tostitos Tortilla Chips	3
1/3 cup taco beef (my recipe)	6
Subtotal	32

Need Motivation

The good news is, there are no more delicious brownies in the house.  The bad news is, I ate them all.  There is also no more lasagna which is a good thing too.  I don't think I'll ever be able to manage lasagna or brownies.  You know I need some kind of comfort when I make lasagna and brownies.  They're both super delicious and full of everything good and weight gaining.  I haven't modified those recipes yet because I use those two dishes to butter up my honey. I do use apple sauce instead of oil in the brownies but everyone should know that trick.

Tomorrow I'm doing another bridge run because I may only be able to run Tuesday and Wednesday this week.  I really need motivation.  I'm already slipping a little into the Fall mode of laziness.  I really need motivation.  It'll come.  It has to be non-negotiable.  That's it, I'm running tomorrow and I will do it joyfully.

Food Diary
Monday, August 27, 2012

Morning
2  slices cooked bacon	3
1  Mission Whole Wheat Tortilla	3
1  large egg	2
2  egg whites	1
1  fat free cheese slice (Kraft)	1
Subtotal	10
Midday
1  large peach	0
1 1/2 serving of Lasagna (my recipe)	16
3 slices of Adjei's tortilla pizza (my recipe)	5
2  Brownies (Duncan Hines)	9
Subtotal	30
Evening
2 slices of Arnold stone ground bread	3
2  oz deli ham	2
2  oz Swiss cheese	6
1/2 Tbsp regular butter	1
1  Brownie (Duncan Hines)	5
Subtotal	17

In Commitment

So today was really rough.  I woke up extremely tired but I prepared my body for my long run anyway.  My mind was not into the run at all.  I wanted to run 7-8 miles but I ran 5.25.  I reached the Williamsburg Bridge and did pretty good going over but on the way back I wanted to quit so bad.  I really wanted to walk home.  Then more self defeating thoughts came up.  I told myself I didn’t want to run anymore. I felt bored with running. It’s not fun anymore.  The new motivation for the half marathon was over. I’m just not in love with this goal anymore.   So I’m running up the hill from Manhattan and I just want to keep passing people.  Then there’s another hill and I just want to get to the top so I can get some relief.  Then finally I’m running slowly down the bridge back to Brooklyn.  Then the second part of the bridge is the steepest part and by then I’m flying down the bridge.  

It felt so good to run down that last hill.  I was reminded that hills are part of life and they’re effin hard.  Sometimes we just want to quit but eventually there will be another side to that hill. So right now I’m not in love with running but I am in commitment to it.  Sometimes love changes its forms and I have to stick with it even when the passion subsides.  I know that if I continue to  push through the resistance and also give myself a break, I will get to the “in love” part again.

Morning
1  cup low-fat milk	3
1  small banana	0
1/2 cup dry Oatmeal	4
Subtotal	7
Midday
1  serving of Lasagna (my recipe)	10
1  cup grilled eggplant and zucchini	3
Subtotal	13
Evening
2 slices of stoneground bread	3
1 1/2 oz Swiss cheese	4
2  oz deli ham	2
1/2 Tbsp regular butter	1
1  cup Butternut Squash Soup	2
1  Brownie	5
Subtotal	17