Day 158

Today was a much better day. I did exactly what I said I was going to do. I ate sensibly and I went for my run. I planned on going to a spin class but then at the last minute I decided I didn’t want to work that hard. I jogged/sprinted/walked for 45 minutes. I jogged for almost two miles before I started my intervals. I think my mind and body are finally readjusted back to life. I always take it really hard when I have to say goodbye to my family and friends. Today I also made it my focus to live in a state of constant gratitude. That helped me a lot too. I enjoyed my son like 100 times more than I usually do. I think he even felt it because he just kept holding my face and kissing me. Dear Lord I’m crazy for him. Thank you, thank you God!!

Tomorrow I will be grateful and I will focus on the positive. I will also do some exercise and not eat my feelings; I will stay within my point range.

Day 157

I am having the hardest time shaking off this sadness. I’m trying so hard to find and live up to my purpose that I guess I forget how lonely NYC can be. It’s not until I go home to my family that I remember what it’s like to be spoiled with love. I just feel so lonely lately. Then I feel ungrateful because I have an incredible husband who is trying to make up for it. I haven’t lived in New Mexico since 2000 so you would think I would be over this homesickness by now. My fear is that I’m going to lose someone close to me and I will regret not having spent enough time with them. Wow, I feel like a nut bag for even sharing that. Well this is how I feel right now. This is why I’m sabotaging myself. I’m also afraid that it will all be for nothing because I’m a big fat coward. I’m a mess and I’m embarrassed. Then the fucking narcissist in me is fantasizing how this post is going to end up in US Magazine one day. I have problems. I’m surprised I haven’t taken pictures of myself crying.

Okay, I’ve cried with you all and now I really have to move on. Tomorrow…I WILL go running. I will NOT eat my feelings. I WILL LIVE in gratitude.

Day 156

It’s so crazy how you can convince yourself that you didn’t do so badly with your eating. I think that’s why I really like tracking because it gives you real clarity as to how much you’re eating. It’s especially easy to convince yourself that you didn’t eat poorly when you’re having a rough day. Today is my 7th year anniversary and I'm so grateful for my honey. I was kind of a downer. I’ve been extremely tired from my trip to New Mexico and I was having a hard time coming to life today. I was dragging ass like I hadn’t slept or had any coffee. The whole family was kind of moody and tired. I’ve said this before but I have no will power when I’m tired. I simply don’t care about making healthy choices. I need to spank myself into action. I need to get my binky back on a schedule. I need to update my résumé’s. I need to get my headshots. I just feel so heavy lately. Not weight heavy but pressure heavy. Maybe I’m trying to take credit for everything and I just need to relax, have faith, and give it all to God.

Tomorrow I will go for a run and I will track what I eat.

Day 155

It's been two weeks since my last weigh in and I lost 5 pounds!! I am almost in the 60’s and I am so excited. Today was almost a day where I just said F it to weighing in and exercising. I had to take a damn shuttle bus because the L train wasn't running and that added another 45 minutes to my regular 20 minute commute. I had a choice to either make my meeting or go to Zumba. I decided that Zumba would benefit me more. The class was great even though the air conditioning was out. After the class I rushed to my meeting, hoping they would still be there. They had shut down the computers but still had the scales available. At first they said they wouldn't weigh me but then the girl could tell I was really disappointed so she said she would give me a complimentary weigh in. It was a great day.

My laptop battery is broken and it feels a little weird to be writing this on Ellison’s laptop. It feels foreign. He’s a PC and I’m a Mac. I feel like I’m at work.

Tomorrow I will run and I will also track what I eat.

Day 154

Today wasn’t a great day for eating. I’ve also been full of anxiety, so I know that is definitely contributing. Adjei hit his head and got a huge bump. I quietly lose my mind when my child gets hurt. I go to the top of the “what if” tragedy list. I get so crazy with fear when it comes to my little man. I want to be a carefree mom but I start thinking the worst. My brother had a head injury when he was Adjei’s age and my mom thinks it may have contributed to certain things he struggles with today. I think I’m just feeling some of the aftermath of saying goodbye to my family. I ate terribly today. I hate feeling anxious and I especially hate it when I can’t shake it of with prayer. I seriously want to cry for no reason. I miss my family. I just want to brush it all under the rug so I can get on with being happy.

Gratitude list:
My son, my love of my life
A happy and peaceful home
A loving and supportive husband
The best parents in the world
A healthy body
Nice hair
Brothers that love me so much
Nice weather
Mornings
Air conditioning
Cold clean water
Coffee

Tomorrow I will go to my WW meeting and I will go for an early morning run or Zumba. I will also start tracking again.

Day 153

Well I’m back in Brooklyn and it feels really good to be with my hubby. My poor baby Adjei is completely off his schedule and I am certainly paying for it with all the tantrums he’s had over the past couple of days. I was so happy to see Ellison that I’m actually watching a basketball game. My eating was crap de crap today. I am starting fresh tomorrow. I am going to go for a run in the morning and I’m really looking forward it.

Day 152

My last night in Albuquerque. :( I feel ready to get back to my hubby and routine but I’m going to miss my family so much. I felt anxious and moody all day. It also didn’t help that Adjei stuffed change in my laptop. Pennies are still falling out of the disk slip. I didn’t eat very well today and I didn’t track. I don’t have much to say except that I will leave with a positive attitude. I will let myself be sad but I will focus on the new memories I have. I saw friends that I hadn’t seen in years. My Papa and me ran our first 5k together. My tootsie, brother Dave, and I cleaned our family’s graves. Adjei bonded with his cousins. I tangoed with my brothers James and Matthew. It really doesn’t get better than that.

Tomorrow I will be happy. I'm going to take the spirit of my family and this beautiful city with me.