Day 120

So our meeting today was about how do we get to that blissful place when things feel magnificent with program. When you’re feeling positive and you're tracking and you’re making healthy choices and everything is great. You’re like wonder woman with your shields against temptation. Bing bing! That's me blocking the dips and excessive sugar. Well, a lot of good reasons came up. Some of the reasons that stood out to me were: preparing, gratitude, acceptance, behavior changes, positive self talk, going to meetings, knowing that the tide will change good or bad, and walking through fear. My leader compared WW to her relationship with her husband. She said that sometimes everything is so great and you're so in love and you feel like life is perfect. Then the tide changes and there is either no time to see each other or your expectations are not being met. Then you're just pissed and you're like "why am I with this person?!"

This analogy made me look at how I respond to myself when I’m not doing well. I show myself very little compassion and I feel like it’s never going to change. I realized that during times of struggle I need to remember that this process is always going to be up and down because this is part of the relationship I have with myself. So the question is: What do I do then when I'm not doing well with eating or exercise? I came up with the following:

1. Go to a meeting.
2. Accept that things aren't perfect.
3. Forgive myself over and over again.
4. Acknowledge the changes I've made.
5. Push through something that scares me.
6. Challenge myself to do something that I think I can’t.
7. Try and try again.

My leader said that if something scares you, then you're probably heading towards the right direction. I really try to live my life by this because every time I’ve walked through fear, I get more confident. Today has been a great day and I made really healthy choices. I didn’t even use any of my weekly points. Tomorrow I will go to kickboxing and I will track what I eat.

Day 119

This week has been a tough week and I think I know where I went wrong. Every weekend I exercise. In fact, it’s normally my most difficult workouts. Well, not as hard as body conditioning but definitely higher in cardio. Last weekend I really just wanted to wake up and have breakfast with my boys and lounge. Plus there was lots of chocolate and I can’t resist chocolate. It was great but I really need to exercise both Saturday and Sunday to start my week off right and I can’t have a lot of sugar. This weekend I will be eating out a lot because I’m meeting up with friends both Saturday and Sunday. I will need to be mindful the whole weekend so I don’t start off on the wrong foot. Tomorrow I’m going running and I will push myself hard. I think I may even work on a play list tonight. I’m going to try really hard not to be upset if I gain tomorrow. I'm super tired tonight.

Day 118

I didn’t track today and I skipped my run because my partner cancelled. I didn’t bag exercise all together. I came home and Adjei said that he wanted to go exercise with me so he and I walked to my favorite coffee shop. It’s normally a ten-minute walk but it turned into a 40-minute walk because toddlers love to explore. It was a lot of fun and I spent a good part of that time running up and down the street with Adjei. Adjei is super fast. People at the park laugh at me because I am constantly running behind him. He doesn’t stop and when he looks back and I’m close, the little dude accelerates.

I didn’t have a great eating day but I did manage to avoid the hot fudge sundae I wanted. The great thing about weight watchers is I know I always get a new week with a clean slate. I’m actually looking forward to weighing in on Saturday and burying the week. I also booked my trip to NM. Adjei and I are going to Buque for 10 days and I can’t wait.

Tomorrow I will go for a run in the morning. I didn’t want to say that because I’m afraid I won’t go but I’m going to go!! I can’t stop saying I’m going to do things even if I don’t always follow through. I will also not eat everything I want to eat right now. I will negotiate with myself.

Day 117

I just finished watching Oprah. I actually recorded it because it was a show about looking 20 years younger. They basically were saying that there were four elements: nutrition, exercise, skin care, and sleep. The show wasn’t bad but I was really disappointed in the message. Oprah’s fitness coach/friend wrote a book about looking 20 years younger in 60 days. I was so annoyed by the whole 60-day fix. Oprah even asked him if someone should wait to do this program or do what he or she can. This guy actually said a person should wait until they could fully commit. I thought that was such bullshit. If I waited until I knew I could fully commit, I certainly wouldn’t be 25 pounds lighter. It is so much easier to justify not eating healthy or not exercising because of being too busy. Hell sometimes I think losing weight takes too much time with the preparing, shopping, cooking, and exercising. Ugh what a terrible answer. I appreciate that there are people like him in the world but he doesn’t understand the drive behind why someone over eats. Maybe he meant that the 60-day challenge would give you enough momentum to create new and better habits. I’m in a pissy mood.

My anger tonight is also because I skipped the gym and I’m disappointed in myself. I’ve only exercised twice this week and they weren’t that vigorous. I’m nervous to go running with my partner tomorrow. What If I don’t have any motivation? I feel really moody since I haven’t had a great eating day and I didn’t go work out.

Tomorrow is another day and I will do better with my eating and I will go running. Try and try again, right?

Day 116

Today has been an amazing day. This is exactly what I fantasized about when I was deciding to stay home with Adjei. The weather is a perfect 80 degrees with a very subtle breeze. I mean, absolutely perfect. We went to the Brooklyn Botanical Garden today, which happens to be one of my favorite places on earth. It is so beautiful and smells so good I could just live there. I have done everything I put on my list yesterday. I have seven points left for dinner and I am going to do what I can to eat a seven point meal.

I went for a jog this morning but I didn’t run more than a mile. I didn’t have my partner today so I didn’t push myself as hard. I enjoyed walking though. It was peaceful and I kept telling myself it was more than what I did yesterday. I also discovered the meaning of life on my walk.:) Do you want to know the secret to happiness and success? Oh yes, old wise one, please tell. Okay. I know this is not original but if you give more than you receive, you’re likely to be a happier person. If you take and take and take, you’re going to find the universe taking from you. I’m certainly not the role model for this but I thought I would share with you what the Holy Spirit was saying to me. "God is trying to tell you something!" Do you guys remember that song from "The Color Purple?" One of my favorite movies of all time!

Tomorrow I will go to body conditioning and I will track what I eat.

Day 115

I had another bad eating day and I didn’t track. I didn’t go to the gym either. I’m feeling upset about it and I’m trying really hard to get re-motivated. I think I PMS for two weeks out of the month. Poor Ellison. So I need to get very strategic. What are the things I need to do to get my power back?

1. Go for a run in the morning with my partner and push myself.
2. Stick to my rule of snacking on fruit during the day.
3. Finish one thing that I’ve been procrastinating.
4. Drink water all day, no diet coke!
5. Start tracking immediately.
6. Read this list every time I want to eat mindlessly.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will try again.

Day 114

Today was a really relaxing and beautiful day for me. We went to the park for most of the morning and I did a lot of chasing Adjei. It feels so good not to get winded when I’m running after my little guy. He kept saying, “run mommy, run!” It was great because I didn’t get tired at all. When we got home I put Adjei down for a nap and since I had my workout clothes on I told Ellison I was going for a run. I jogged and walked for 45 minutes. Yay me! However, on a food note I did terrible. I tracked everything and I ate a lot. Ellison brought home this amazing kettle corn from one of the street fairs and it was 5 points for 1 cup. I had 4 cups today. I finally had to throw it all away.

Tomorrow is a new day and I’m going to do my best to eat only my 29 points. When I first started weight watchers I was having a hard time getting to the 29 points. Now I go over everyday. I will also go to body conditioning.