Never Giving Up!

Well where oh where has this baby been?  I have to be honest with you friends, I have been in isolation. Lately I haven’t been exercising and my eating has been the worst it’s been in a very long time.   Some of my old habits like fried food, cake and ice cream, diet coke, CHIPS,  were only sometimes food.  However, lately I’ve snuck some of this stuff into my daily diet.  The result of not exercising  and starting tomorrow with my healthy eating has added up to 10 pounds of weight gain.  Yes, I know this for a fact because the great part of all of this is, I haven’t given up and I still go to my weekly WW meetings.  So the scale tells me so.  The scale is just a measuring tool but the real effect is feel I tired, moody, short tempered and overwhelmed.  

The positive to all of this is I haven’t gone to the part of my self esteem that can really beat myself up about this.  Don’t get me wrong, the voices are there but I’m choosing to have more compassion for myself.  I imagine a woman who really wants to do well but the resistance is so overbearing that she just can’t push through the wall.  Do I tell this woman, “what’s wrong with you, just stop eating or go for a short run!”  No, I wouldn’t say this to a stranger.  Do I tell this woman, “Wow you’re hopeless you might as well stop trying.”  No, I sure as hell wouldn’t say that either.  I would say, “Theresa, this stuff is hard, you’re fucking awesome and maybe it didn’t happen today but you can give it another shot tomorrow.”  Yes, Ma'am!

So the stinkin thinkin part is the hardest but in an imperfect way I’ve been kind to myself through this struggle.  I’ve had the courage to sign up for races this Spring and I started last Thursday with short 10 minute runs.  Today I ramped it up to 17 minutes.  I’m going to try again with my eating and do my best to track.  I will keep it small and gentle.

Boo Snow

Oh mother winter please let this be the last big snow.  I don't have much to say today.  My eating was good.  I didn't make it to the gym because of this snow storm but I did get some exercise in.  I decided to shovel the front of my building and my neighbors building.  I know I sound crazy but I really wanted some exercise and my apartment is small.  Plus I've always wanted to shovel snow.  It wasn't that much snow but my arms are sore!  I broke a sweat and everything.

Tomorrow I hope I can go to the gym and I hope my favorite class isn't canceled.  

Who? Dairy, me? No...

Hi friends!  I had a great jump start yesterday.  I went to total body conditioning last night and I also stayed for the abs and rebounding classes.  I didn’t go full out for any of the classes because I physically can’t right now but I felt really good.  My abs and tush are sore!  I love feeling sore and knowing it’s because I put some work in.  I didn’t eat my greens yesterday but I’m doing better today.

I went out to breakfast with my hubby this morning and I thought I ordered semi healthy but I decided to ask my waitress how the meal was prepared.  I don’t usually make special requests with how my food is prepared because I feel like I’m hassling the waitress and insulting the chef. But out of curiosity and because the meal tasted so good and my waitress was bright and friendly, I decided to get this information.  I had ordered from the side menu, two scrambled eggs and an order of kale, healthy right?  She tells me that the eggs were made with heavy cream and butter and the kale was also prepared with butter.  Ouch.  I already devoured the meal with the exception of a bite of egg so there was no turning back.  She must have noticed the pain in my face because she told me that if I was looking for a non-dairy option I could get poached eggs and request no butter.  How sweet that she thought it was a dairy problem. My husband laughed and said he was surprised I didn’t talk about weight watcher points with her.  I was in a cool restaurant with a hipster waitress, I preferred for her to assume I was anti dairy.  I think next time, in a super kind way, I will ask how the meal is prepared before I order.  

I haven’t decided how I will workout tomorrow but I will either take a class or run for 15 minutes.  I hope this snow doesn’t close down the transit system.  I will track what I eat and not go over my daily weight watcher points.

Goals for today

Meditate 

Eat more greens

Go to bed early

I Surrender O Uncertainty

Hi Friends.  It feels really great to be writing.  I’ve been resistant to blogging because life is not inspirational to me lately and it’s much more fun to write when I feel great.  I’ve been having a difficult time taking care of myself and I know the reason, so that’s what I’m going to write about.  Talking about my truth can be a little embarrassing at times but it’s also liberating and I feel encouraged and free when I do so. 

So lately I haven’t been able to make healthy eating choices or exercise because life feels uncomfortable and God isn’t doing what I want him to do.  I laughed as I wrote that.  My husband is in between work and the truth is, it’s effin scary when that happens.  I want this picture of security and when the picture doesn’t look secure one month from now in my mind, I want to obsess about it and that weight gets really heavy.  Thus making it difficult to do things like go for a run, go to the gym, or make a healthy meal.  I told my friend recently that I wish I could sleep through uncertainty and then wake up and everything look like I want it to.  Well La-di-da, life doesn’t work like that and thank God for that!  

I started meditating recently using the “Centering Prayer.”  I’ll be honest I’ve only tried it once and it wasn’t easy but I sat with it and it was incredible.  My talks with God have been pretty amazing and enlightening.  I had this awareness that I’ve been praying a lot that God send Ellison a new job.  Now there’s nothing wrong about praying for my husband to get a job but I realized that I was motivated because I wanted to secure my feelings of security.  That’s human.  However, I’m putting my peace of mind in the hands of people, places and things when God is the only real security.  He is the only one who knows my will and Ellison’s will.  

So what now.  Well I’m not in control of my husbands employment but I can choose to take care of myself.  I can choose to trust what is because our Father in heaven is so wonderful.  He is my best friend and I know he’s looking out for me and my hubby.  I can also choose to go to body conditioning tonight.  I don’t have to do my best because showing up is enough.  I can choose to to say no to snacks that make me feel tired or heavy.  I can write down what I eat.  I can eat more greens today.   

Goals for today:

Blog-check!

Track what I eat

Go to body conditioning

Meditate

This song makes me feel so good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FUXeg-elgM

I yam what I yam

Life is just so amazing.  I had a really beautiful 2012.  Nothing obviously spectacular happened.  I didn’t get the job of my dreams.  I didn’t slim down to the perfect figure I see in magazines.  I didn’t pay off my debt.  My family didn’t get a lot of money.  Life didn’t really change that much.  However, my perception was just so much greater than it has ever been.  I feel for the first time since I was kid I’m starting to accept myself more and more.  After my run today was thinking about my weight loss and I had a realization that my body has lost 65 pounds but my mind has lost another 50 pounds on top of that.  The weight of thinking I wasn’t good enough or successful enough or ever doing enough was HEAVY.  I mean, really effin heavy.   It’s only by the grace of God that today I feel enough.  I feel like I am who I say I am. This feeling is attainable by anyone. So how do I believe I’ve gotten here?

First, it’s been a lot of patience with myself.  My mom used to tell me to fake it until I made it.  Now, the word fake is probably not my favorite word but I get it.  I first needed to quit saying mean things to myself.  I needed to quit being so judgmental when I made a mistake.  I had to become a kind, gentle observer to myself instead of the back whipping judge.  So I’ve become extremely aware of negative self talk.  I may really feel it and want to say mean things to myself but I stop.  It was hard at first but it takes practice everyday and it gets easier.

Second, I’ve given over to my fear of asking for help.  This was extremely difficult for me because what I’ve taken pride over the past 20 years is my independent spirit.  However, sometimes being independent is also a form of pride. I have a lot of pride.  I relished in the thought that I could take care of everything that came my way on my own.  The truth is I need people.  I need strangers.  I need my family.  I need my friends.  This is also where Weight Watchers came in.  I know I need a food program for the rest of my life to keep this weight loss.  

Finally, I put my relationship with God first.  This is truly the first and last.  I start my day with prayer.  As soon as I open my eyes in the morning my first thoughts are prayers.  Prayers of gratitude, prayers of my needs. Conversation with God.  He is my best friend these days.  My mom told me that if I wanted to be the happiest person in the world then I should make Jesus my best friend.  He’s a pretty great guy, so I believe I’m doing it.  

On New Year’s Eve it felt weird not to have this huge goal in mind or not to have this great plan for the year.  But then I felt like, wow, for the first time I feel pretty content.  What a great feeling.  I felt like I just wanted to continue what I was doing.  I also feel like I’ll get to wherever I’m supposed to be.  I am no longer defined by what I have not done or what I’m going to do.  Like the great wise Popeye said, “I yam, what I yam.”

Run and Pray

I’m writing today because I feel like I’m slowly coming out of a fitness funk.  I was in a really bad space about my body and thought that I was really overweight again.  I had this moment where I believed I was fat. I haven’t had those thoughts in a long time.  I weighed in after Thanksgiving and I gained 3.6 pounds.  Since joining weight watchers 3 years ago, I haven’t gained that much weight.  However, I will say that when I was in Weight Watchers before the three years, I would just stop going when I got into this head space.  It’s been so hard for me to track and exercise.  Tracking is incredibly important to my self care.  I have to measure, weigh, and track because I can really fool myself into thinking I eat healthy and well proportioned.  

One reason I think I’m having a hard time is because I really want to enjoy this holiday season.  I miss my family and the way I reminisce is by making things my dad made for us.  My dad was the baker of the family.  I just want to enjoy the goodies of this holiday season and I don’t want to feel guilty about it.  Sure, some of you are thinking, “Well don’t feel guilty, just enjoy yourself, it’s Christmas.”  I wish it were that easy for me but it isn’t.  Eating a lot of sugar or eating abundantly isn’t good for me.  So I feel a loss.  I feel a bit left out.  

So on to my reflection and why today feels like I’m pushing through this funk.  Today I was able to go on my run and this run was incredible.  I read in my Self Magazine some advice given by an Iron Woman about her workouts.  She said she dedicates every mile to someone and then she calls them or emails to thank them for helping her get through the mile.  Well, this morning I took it a step further and I decided to pray for people during my run.  The first mile I prayed for one specific friend and I ran and envisioned total peace, joy and love.  I then would just say (in my mind) words that I wanted for this person like peace, love, abundance, happiness, gentleness and so on.  Well, the next mile came and I prayed for two more people who I decided to dedicate that mile to.  Finally by the third mile I was in a trance of prayer each lap for different people.  It was incredible.  

I’m so so glad I ran today and so far my eating is better.  I have so much gratitude for life and I know the root comes from the beautiful prayer time I had this morning.  Thank you Lord.  Tomorrow I will start tracking again and do some fitness.  If I find myself struggling I will dedicate a prayer to whoever comes to mind.  Thank you Lord for kissing my face with the sun today.  I felt your peace.

Slumpin but still Truckin

Well it’s been a long long time since I’ve written and I’ve missed you guys.  I guess the first thing I would like to update everyone on is my first half marathon that took place in October. It was amazing.  I felt so great and I was extremely proud of myself.  I started off really slow because I was afraid I would run out of steam.  At mile 10 I felt great, and was totally shocked at myself. I didn’t start to feel pain until mile 12 and I think it’s because I knew it was almost over.  For several hours after my race I was extremely uncomfortable. I didn’t research about how to recover post race and I took a hot bath.  Well, come to find out you’re supposed to take a cold bath.  The good news is the next day I had absolutely no pain at all.

Now fast forward to a month after my half marathon and I am running very little.  I’ve been in a slump. I’ve been walking a lot to compensate for not running but I miss those endorphins.  Today I’m going on a short run because it’s a gorgeous day and I just have to get out there.

The other slump I’ve been in is my eating.  Oy ve.  I’ve been in Weight Watchers for three years so patterns are really obvious to me, so I’m not freaking out.  Around this time of the year I start to feel a little lonely and reminiscent of the holidays that were spent with my family as a kid.  So how do I comfort myself? With bread, cookies, brownies, frito pies, cheese, and oh dear I need to stop because now I’m getting hungry.  It’s okay but I need to work on my no muscle.  Saying “No” to yourself is a muscle. I appreciate people giving me permission to say “Yes” to myself but the truth is, when it comes to my trigger foods which usually contains a lot of sugar, I have to say no more than yes. I really want to be present with my family and when I’m not taking care of myself, I’m tired and moody and just not happy with myself.  It has nothing to do with the scale because my body is the same.  I also notice that when I’m eating healthy and taking care of myself, my hubby and son follow suit.   

So Today here is a list of my No’s and Yes’s:

No to snacking except for fruit or veggies.
No to chocolate chips.
No to diet coke.

Yes to running 2 miles.
Yes to drinking more water.
Yes to tracking what I eat.
Yes to experimenting with a new grain.
Yes to accepting my feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are.

Thank you God for giving me choices.  Thank you God for friends.  Thank you God for family.  Thank you God for my body. Thank you God for music. Thank you God for always being there.